There have been 20 seasons of ABC's The Bachelor and plenty of spin-offs, which means literal boatloads of women have stepped out of those limousines and played their very best hands only to be beaten out by another woman. I have never seen any season of The Bachelor ever in my entire life and I don't know if first introductory episode is always strange, but the women I saw step out of those limousines in episode one were the most off-the-damn-wall group of women I have ever seen and I cannot get enough.
I'm going to recount to you my thoughts watching episode one of The Bachelor. Keep in mind I don't know anyone's names and I don't care to learn them.
So first we get a glimpse of the bachelor himself (Nick, I think?). He's athletic, fairly attractive and apparently he's been on The Bachelorette before. They show you a couple of clips of him on past seasons and he's written this poem for a girl that he slowly reads to her while she maintains the fakest, most I-can't-look-like-a-bitch-on-TV smile I have ever seen. He describes himself as quite sensitive and a bit of a mumbler. Also, he proposed to another contestant at some point and got rejected pretty quick, so he has a sad backstory to back it up. Apparently, all of this is the perfect recipe for a TV hunk, so on with the show.
Nick meets up with his man friends and they all sit around at a table by the pool talking about what's going to happen this season. They all have glasses of just straight-up whisky. Is that something that men do? Is that the only thing they're allowed to drink? Throughout the conversation they just kind of bring the glass up to their mouth and don't even sip they just put it right back down. They lightly tease Nick while they tease the crowd with their fake whisky sipping.
So now we get introduced to the women. They're all really pretty, which it to be expected. They all walked along the beachfront or stroll in their towns in cute outfits, being generally unattainable levels of gorgeous. There were some women, however, that, while still amazingly beautiful, really managed to catch my attention. Here are some examples.
This one blonde girl was walking along the boardwalk talking about how she recently graduated from nursing school and worked in the area. She balances cutely on a ledge and talks about how excited she is to be on the show. Suddenly, we cut away to the girl's house. Dressed fully in scrubs, she gently strokes her cat, meowing loudly in to its ear for a full thirty seconds. What the what?
Another girl obviously from the Shore yells in to the camera about she wants to be a dolphin trainer in the future for some reason. As if she doesn't already sound insane, we see her sitting down with her sisters having a glass of wine (of course). The sisters are essentially begging her not to be weird. One of them warns her not to make a dolphin call noise, which, I thought, should make sense to a person not to do when courting. I thought to myself, "sure she won't dolphin call as this bachelor man. Boy, was I wrong.
The night comes and the troves of women step out of the limousines wearing beautiful evening gowns and exchanging awkward pleasantries with the bachelor. However, meowing nurse girl and dolphin girl make a wonderful reappearance and really steal the show.
Meowing nurse girl tells the bachelor that his "weenie" is okay in her book and removes a book from....her ass...? Inside the book is a cold hot dog weenie which she proceeds to offer the bachelor. Quite innocently, she requests that they "Lady and the Tramp" it as a greeting. Seemingly unable to deny that ridiculous request, the bachelor stoops over and sticks a COLD WEENIE in his mouth and takes a bite. As the nurse girl giggles and runs off in to the house, the bachelor stands in disbelief and I hope to GOD that the girls that come ofter think he smells like a cold hot dog.
Dolphin girl really takes the cake though. Instead of a gorgeous evening gown, this girl exits the limo in FULL Katy Perry Superbowl Half-Time Show Left Shark outfit. She waddles up to the bachelor and he is understandably surprised to see her. When prompted as to why she is in this outfit, she responds, "I want to be a dolphin trainer!" and PROCEEDS TO DOLPHIN CALL AT HIM. I'll remind you that she is wearing a SHARK costume during this. Absolutely wild.
"I love quirky girls," Nick the bachelor states in a confessional. Queue slow camera zoom on the weirdo in the shark outfit.
The Bachelor seems like an absolute trainwreck and you can bet your ass I will be watching more. I hope shark girl wins.
