It is easy to get caught up in little moments that seem special and be distracted by the charming things he says that seem genuine and sweet. And who knows, maybe they were special and genuine and sweet. But the point is, actions speak louder than words, and you should never let yourself get hung up on someone that puts absolutely no effort into at least some sort of relationship with you until they want/need something.

You know what else is easy? Making excuses for them. “Oh, he’s busy.” or “He’s just trying to give me my space.” or “No, you don’t get it—you don’t know him like I do.” or “This is what I want!” And the list goes on. Why on earth do we allow ourselves to get anything less than what we deserve? Why does he deserve the credit, praise, and respect even though we are the ones hurting? Why does he get to go to sleep every night without a care in the world, while we lay awake wondering what we could be doing better? Wondering, “what can I do to make him notice me more?” or “Maybe if I do this he will realize what he’s missing.”

Sometimes we play this game where we put the ball in his court. Because if he wants to talk to us he will, right? We say we couldn’t care less and we are over it, but we are secretly hoping that he will wake up and realize that things could be so much more and so much better, and that he has been acting foolish all of this time. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

But, unfortunately, that is not how life works. It can be heartbreaking and confusing and stressful, but seriously—why do we let it affect us this much? We are worth so much more than that. Who cares if a guy likes us, how/if he values us, and if he thinks we are funny and interesting and beautiful? You don’t need a guy to tell you those things for them to be true.

Do not lose your sense of self while getting wrapped up in some toxic situation with some guy who has all of the power to take it to the next level, or to tell you how he really feels about you, or to make something happen. Do not take the blame. He should be exerting effort and showing he cares, and it is his loss if he’s not. You are not any less funny or interesting or beautiful because a silly guy cannot see your worth. He doesn’t know what he’s missing and he doesn’t know what he wants. There should be no questioning, considering, or uncertainty. You deserve someone who knows.

I know you miss him, care about him, and want to know what is going on in his life, but going back to him every time just shows him that he can continue with this game, knowing that you will always be there when he decides he wants something from you. Talking to him is just going to hurt you more in the long run—it really isn’t worth it. You need to be stronger and value yourself more—otherwise you are going to continue down this dangerous road that keeps getting you hurt and upset.

And it will take time. You are not going to wake up cured and having forgotten about him completely. But each day you will get stronger and make progress and will be happier—I promise you that. Focus on yourself, surround yourself with people who prove you mean something to them, and distract yourself with things that make you happy… There is always something you can be doing to better yourself and to make you smile. One day, you’ll look back and wonder why you ever let him get to you. And one day, he will finally realize what he had been missing for so long, but it will be too late because you will be happier, healthier, and have moved on. Sometimes, nothing feels better than showing someone how successful and happy you can be without them.