When regarding suicidal thoughts or attempts, you always hear the same phrase. "How selfish of them". As someone who has made it past the suicidal tendencies, I so badly want to tell them the truth that those on the outside don't understand. We're not trying to be selfish. Do we think of ourselves? Yes. I can guarantee you though that we have a hundred more items running through our minds. I wasn't being selfish, but I was
HURTING.
The darkness had consumed me too much to make it out. I didn't know how to ask for help because a part of me told myself that I didn't deserve the help. It was a daily battle with myself and all my situations that I couldn't take it anymore. It was like feeling my heart break everyday and getting so used to the pain that I became numb.
ASHAMED.
Imagine having to acknowledge every day that you are weak. That these thoughts have consumed you to the point that you couldn't look in the mirror anymore. How awful it must be to look at yourself and not see who you truly are but a cloudy and distorted version of yourself.
ALONE.
It doesn't matter if you actually had no one or you just thought you had no one. It felt the same. Not feeling like you could talk to anyone about your experience or problems only made the thoughts worse. It only made it seem more convincing that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. You feel as if you are in the middle of a room with the spotlight on you but no one cares to look.
CONFUSED.
I wasn't sure how something that started with not being able to sleep or laugh as much turned into something so consuming and addicting that I couldn't stand to be around anyone or leave my bed. How did it come to this? Why did I feel like this? Why couldn't I just "snap out of it" like everyone told me to?
DONE.
I was done feeling like a hopeless waste of space. I was done trying to pretend that everything was okay. I was done hiding my pain. I was done faking smiles. It didn't feel like it was worth it anymore. I was tired of being tired. I wanted nothing more than to finally have peace.
I have been there. I know first hand the pain and heartache it takes to get to this point. Do we think of the people we may leave behind? Yes. But I can tell you right now, we either don't think you'll care enough or that you'll be better off without us. I can honestly say that if you lost anyone due to suicide, it wasn't to hurt you. It was to stop them from hurting. Instead of asking, "how can you be that selfish to end it?", ask "how much pain did they suffer that ending it was the only way out?".
I wasn't being selfish, I was just hurting and all I needed was someone to step up and drag me out of the darkness.
