I really want you to hear me out when I say I am not some flawless, female-empowered, male-free, angel of confidence. I mean, I almost am, but not yet. I still read Cosmo magazine almost everyday on my iPhone in hopes of finding out what his double-text meant. I read through articles titled obscene headlines like “Why You Aren’t Girlfriend Material” or “How to Dress For The Body You Want”. They’ll be some Facebook post about what he means when he says he likes a certain type of girl and I immediately reach for my glasses and start scrolling. I tweet about how I am a SJW for women and then switch tabs to “25 Makeup Trends Men Hate”. It’s ironic but at least I admit it. But at my wise, eld age of twenty and ten months I have realized something- I was not born to be desirable.

The longest part of my weekend nights is trying to find which pair of jeans combined with which tank top will flatter my body type. I spend money I don't have to make my hair the perfect shade of Jessica Rabbit orange. I will walk in leather wedges until my feet bleed before I go out in flats. What is wrong with me?! We’ve been taught in backhanded ways throughout our whole lives how to be attractive- what can we do to make ourselves appealing? Wear jeans that hug you in the right places even if that means you won’t be able to bend down properly. Straighten your hair until your arms are sore so it looks nice and silky. Trip over cobble stone and street curbs and bruise your knees just so your butt looks better in stiletto heels. Who taught us this? Well, I guess I answered somewhat when I immediately pointed fingers at Cosmo, but there is more than just harsh articles that have raised us this way.

Young girls are taught trend that are not realistic, comfortable, or beneficial. I wish someone had told me that I don’t have to be desirable. I can wake up late for class and go in leggings and an old men’s t-shirt. I can wear my glasses and a baseball hat when I don’t feel like cleaning up. I wish someone had told me I don’t have to scurry around in five inch heels on Friday nights. I wish someone had told me I don’t need to look cute walking around campus in between classes I just need to get to class. I wish someone told me I don’t need to be desirable.

Listen, I’m not saying I wish I could wear gross, dirty clothes every day or that I hate doing my makeup or I just want to let myself go. I love getting dolled up, sometimes. I love laying out a new outfit and having my friends tell me which shoes to wear with it when we’re heading out for the night. I love sitting in the nail salon and having my nails painted a shade of pink only Barbie could love. But… I don’t want to be doing these things for anybody else. I want to clean up for class to feel good. I don't want to do it to feel attractive to other people. I want to wear heels because they make me feel like a boss not because I want some dude-guy-bro to think I’m hot. I want to stop making myself as desirable as possible and start just being myself.

I don’t really care if Cosmo says I shouldn’t wear high-waisted jeans anymore. I like them and they’re comfortable and I don’t have to wear a belt. I don’t really care if men consider red lipstick the sexiest makeup a girl can wear. Red lipstick makes me feel silly- like a little girl who got into her mother’s makeup drawer. I don’t care that facial piercings are considered out of style- I love my nose ring and I’m going to keep wearing it. I don’t care that my “body type” shouldn't wear halter tops or whatever… I feel pretty when I wear them.

I guess what I’m saying is that I want to dress for myself. I want to wear makeup I like. I want to do my hair to feel confident. I want to stop doing things for other people. I don’t want to do these things to be seen in a certain type of light. I don’t want to do things for the specific reason of being desirable.