This essay was written during my senior year AP Language and Composition class. Inspired by the 1970 essay “I Want a Wife” by Judy Brady. Please note that this piece is supposed to be taken lightly, as with the Judy Brady original and I highly recommend reading that first.

-I Want a College Degree-

November 1st. The deadliest day of the year. The start of the Hunger Games. Actually, this is just the start of officially applying to universities on the Common Application. An individual’s list may comprise of one or two colleges; even those risk takers could be hitting up to those double digits. Our minds and computers are cluttered with questions regarding: What notable academics have you taken? What sports or extracurriculars do you take part in? What do you plan on studying?

That’s the killer. For many of us, we haven’t decided what there is for us to study. The world is too big for our small thoughts. The period of being a teenager was not long enough for us to come to a conclusion about what most think will be the rest of our lives. There are even some who do not have the desire to attend college. But with the bursting email inbox and influx of college pamphlets, postcards, and letters, I have ultimately decided: I want a college degree.

I would like to go to a university, get a smashing education, receive a piece of paper that has my name on it, shake hands with other strangers that I probably met with once, and let that piece of paper scream, “Congrats on making it through four years of late nights, stress, weight gain, and Hell! What do you think about Grad school?” I want a college degree that has the idea of it creeping up on me the moment I step into Junior year of high school. Who wouldn’t want that shadow roaming alongside as you stride down the hallway, juggling Advanced Placement classes with SATs and those fun extracurriculars? I want a college degree that can be announced to my family members at reunions and not have it stifle their smiles for a slight, yet noticeable, moment. I want a college degree that doesn’t make me want to doubt my talents alongside the comparison of what my peers are striving to do. This degree must validate the idea that I’m doing something right with my life every time I look into the mirror in the morning. I want a college degree that I can take a photo with at graduation because my parents have planted into my mind: it’s college or death.

I want a college degree that is worth the intensity of applying. The thousands upon thousands of words compiled into a single picture of myself, or 2.6 pictures. I want a college degree that will “wow” the admission officers, even if I decide to change it after I am accepted. Heck, maybe that will happen when I’m in my senior year…but let’s hope not!

There is a pause before you hit send for the application.

I want a college degree that doesn’t make me stay up all night studying, confused and frustrated, and then the next day has me running to class because my I didn't hear my alarm go off. I want a college degree that will not get laughed at or called “easy” from people on campus who are doing “real work.” I want a college degree that doesn’t seem like everyone else’s backup. I want a college degree that won’t make or break by one exam. I’m breaking my back with these textbooks. I want a college degree that cheers, “let’s drink to that!” I want a college degree that has me taking beer pong shots, using my test scantrons as a funnel since chance is all that is going for most of us. Overworked and, well, not paid at all.

I want a college degree that will get me a job right after I graduate. But, looking at the job market right now? Good luck. I want a college degree that doesn’t have me drowning in student loans and debt that travels into my forties. Still, a “long term vacation” in my parents basement doesn’t seem that bad until they sit me down one day saying I have to make something of myself. I want a college degree that gets me anything other than a rattrap that the landlord calls an apartment. It deserves better than moldy corners and yellowing paint. I want a college degree that leads to the bigger and better than what the stares of potential employers entail. I want a college degree that will sleep in a miscellaneous box in the corner of my apartment, or my cubicle…whichever one creates a better aesthetic. I want a college degree that is not a script for me to say, “would you like fries with that?” or “venti or grande?”

I want a college degree picked for me; I apparently don’t know what I am doing with my life from your final conclusions. I just want a college degree that doesn't reflect me as a person. This degree says less than a thousand words, barely a picture. I’d rip up the piece of paper into a million pieces if everyone around me didn’t fondle it like a baby. I am more than just a piece of paper. I am more than just a score.

So, what are you getting a degree in?