Ah, Fall. The time when we all pretend our environment isn’t literally dying around us because hey, pretty colors and apple cider! Fall also heralds the arrival of Halloween, the favorite holiday of many a college aged boy. As much as I enjoy the celebration as well, I hated the movies of the season and the terror they brought with them. So knowing we had to watch an actual horror movie for this blog filled me with apprehension. But I did it. FOR YOU, DEAR READER. FOR YOU. I decided to watch Scream.

Wait… wrong scream.

And you know what? I hated it. Not because I was scared, but because frankly, it’s just a shitty movie.

Ok, let’s see here, compliment sandwich time. Something good about this movie is… the writing. Specifically, the dialogue. When Billy comes in through Sidney’s window and uses the “edited for TV” metaphor for their relationship, I got it. When one of the kids said “you’d better liver alone” after talking about organs, I actually laughed out loud. So why couldn’t it have been solid the whole way though? The killer says things like “no you listen you little bitch” like it’s supposed to be scary, and a lot of the “scary phone dialogue” is incredibly flaccid. So while it may not seem like a compliment, I give the dialogue in this movie a 7/10. C’s get degrees, everyone. Remember that.

Now for the criticism. This movie is SO predictable. I didn’t know anything about the plot going in except what the killer wore, but I had it nailed down perfectly from the opening scene. Spoilers ahead for this 20 year old movie, I guess. In the opening scene, the killer uses a trick question about Friday the 13th to justify killing the first person. He then asks “Which door am I at?” We know he’s a killer, and can’t let Casey just walk away. We know he likes trick questions. It seems pretty obvious that there’s no way he’d take the chance of her getting it right, so there must be 2 killers. Knowing that from the very beginning makes it very hard to feel any suspense at the big reveal.

Final compliment! I uh… I couldn’t think of another good thing to say, so here’s another criticism. This movie is so full of itself. It tells you the plot, tells you it’s telling you the plot, and my lord I can feel the writer’s smarmy grin from both the future and across the country. Jamie Kennedy (Who I spent the whole movie being like “why does that guy look familiar) literally wasn’t wrong a single time in this movie. He called Billy the killer. He called Matthew Lillard his lap dog. He said the dad was a red herring, and LITERALLY THE NEXT SCENE IS THE DAD RED HERRING-ING US. We get that you think you’re smart, writer, but my god, this movie is pure ego masturbation.

Things to look out for:

This movie is truly a “who’s who” of people that faded into obscurity after one other role. Let me help you out-

Jamie Kennedy

Kennedy had a crappy TV show and was in Malibu’s Most Wanted.

Courtney Cox

was Monica in Friends.

The Principal

was the Fonz in Happy Days.

Matthew Lillard

was Shaggy in Scooby-Doo.

Neve Campbell

was in… well, just Scream.

David Arquette

was in being Courtney Cox’s husband.

Drew Barrymore was the only for real actor in this, and she’s in the damn movie for maybe 10 minutes. You’re welcome.

The monologue about why horror movies suck was actually pretty good.

This movie really wants you to be sure it’s familiar with other movies in the genre. It name drops like 4 or 5 other movies.

The best line in the movie? “How does it feel to almost be brutally butchered? PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!” Thanks, Reporter #3.

Fred, a janitor at the school, is wearing a fedora and red striped sweater. WE GET IT, MOVIE. Played by Wes Craven though, so that’s neat.

So, that’s basically it. If you have time to waste and don’t want to watch an actually scary movie, give this a shot. If you’d rather watch something with more substance, can I recommend grass growing or paint drying? But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you love this movie. If so, why not leave me a comment explaining why I’m stupid?