Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself, “How can I look like a complete a**hole and piss even more people off today?” If you said yes to this, then odds are you ended up vaping that day. Vaping is a “safer alternative” to smoking cigarettes. I would just say they are a “douchier” alternative to cigarettes.

You can thank Hon Lik, a Chinese pharmacist, for the invention of “vaping.” This poor SOB took inspiration from his father’s death; his father died due to lung cancer. My condolences to his father, but come on man, why’d you have to be a dick? This invention slowly made its way to the US in the mid-2000s, and now every country has a reason to hate us even more.

There are multiple reasons why vaping is the douchiest thing to happen to this country. For starters, nobody wants to see you look like Puff the Magic Dragon (if you do not know who Puff the Magic Dragon is, you should reevaluate your childhood). Anyway, puffing a big cloud of smoke just makes you look like a huge a**hole. Also, do not brag about how big your cloud is compared to other “vapers” or whatever you douchebags call each other.

Another reason why vaping makes you look like a douchebag is the creation of “vaping tricks.” Seeing people share these videos on Facebook (it’s even worse than sharing my sh*tty articles on Facebook) is the worst part of any day. I have never wanted to see some fat kid swirl his arms in the most unathletic way so he could manipulate the smoke. We get it, you were made fun of as a kid, but that doesn’t mean you have to try and look like the next fat airbender (look up the reference, you will laugh).

Another reason why vaping is ruining lives is the sudden creation of “vape shops.” Really America? This has to be a terrible joke. Even I would not tell a joke that crappy. It is like supplying a bully with more ammo to make fun of the nerdy kid in sixth grade that didn’t quit Runescape after second grade. When you walk into these stores, they should give you a free shirt that says, “Please, beat the living hell out of me.”

The last part of why vaping sucks mongo balls is that these fiends feel the need to do it anywhere and everywhere they go. Going to the bathroom? They’ll vape there. Going to the movie theater? They’ll vape there too. Want to use public transportation like a subway? There will be vape there too. To all of you that do vape in these places, take a hint and go **** yourself please.

Vapers are like Catholics, always pushing their religions on others (this is a joke, and I can make it because I am a Catholic). If you are a vaper, please do it in the confinements of your own personal living place. We don’t need to see it.