I want to know what this means. Why all of this happening to me when I spend all of my time satisfying others. Why do I have to get the s*** end of the stick? But then again, I’m always told to never ask why. That it’s rude to question the one who made me, but is it so wrong for wanting to know?
I want to know the path I’m on. Where I’m going. Who I’m going to end up with at the end of it all and…when will I stop being treated like a quartz in a world of gold? I want to love and learn, but lately, it feels as if I’m spending most of my life learning how to love and quickly failing. Maybe it’s me or maybe it’s the things that I do, but what you did to me I would never do to you. To question the person, it would mean that I worked so hard only to come to a dead end. But I’m not going to allow you to strip me down of very positive emotion I have and take it captive for you to use in this war. A war I don’t even want.
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I don’t want to be ignored or lead on to think there’s something more to this than I thought before. Oh, how I should have just left it to think that we were nothing more than casual friends, but who you are now… I have no clue. The old you would never upset me. The old you would allow me to unravel myself right before your very eyes. The you I miss, feels so far from me now and I’m not going to deny the fact that it hurts. You made me believe in something for once and made me realize I need to focus more on myself. That my dreams are more important that the person I give them up for. Where I am now could not make me any more proud of myself, but the person you are… I wish I could say the same.
The problem with being who I am is that I get attached. There have been so many times that I wish I could change that about myself. I have tried and pushed myself so hard to stop it, but I just can’t. I enjoy the feeling of having someone. Feeling like I have something to look forward to. I enjoy the butterflies I get when something I don’t expect happens next. To not have that and still be shot down for it…that’s the worst feeling I could imagine, and it’s all because I allowed myself to let go. I allowed myself to become attached to the idea. I thought that there could be more. Oh, how wrong I was to assume that someone like you could give up the game to give their attention to someone like me. Or is it you who should be thankful?
In a time like this, I think to myself, what is yet to come and if it will be worth it. Is it best that I just stop trying and let others take a chance with some effort from this point on?
At the end of the day, there’s nothing more I want than just to know. I want to know.
