I think about dying but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel so trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There's so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I'm still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't quite figure out what the hell I'm doing or how to get out of it.
I haven't forgotten who I really am. And I'm not talking about my so-called real name. All names are made up by someone else, even the one my parents gave me. I know who I really am. When I'm alone at night, looking up at the stars, or maybe even laying in my bed in total darkness, I know the nameless person inside me. My muscles will toughen. So will my heart and soul. That's necessary for survival. But it is a constant battle to not lose touch with that person deep inside of myself, or else I wouldn't have really survived at all.
Sometimes I climb out of bed in the morning and I think "I'm not going to make it", but then I laugh inside. Because I remember all the times I've felt that way. My worst fear is being stuck. Being stuck in a place that isn't comfortable, or that bores me, being stuck with people that I don't care for, or even being stuck in a job that I just cannot stand. My worst fear is that I will let my life get away from me and forget to really live it.
Everyone says that life is all about giving. But you can't just keep giving, and giving, without receiving because soon enough you will have nothing left to give. Over the past few years of my life I've realized this growing need to be more than what the world says I should be. And one day I'm going to get in a car and figure it all out. I don't know when, or where I will go. I don't know if I will tell anyone I am leaving, or if I will ever come back. All I know is this feeling is here for a reason, and it will continue to make me feel miserable unless I act on it. God created this world like art, and I plan on seeing every corner of it.
Growing up is bitter sweet. The rest of your life is about to begin but the crossroads you have to pass on the way can leave scars. I watched as my friends grew up as they moved into a new phase of their life, as they found new groups of friends, as they changed into the people they said they will never be. I watched on as my friends leave me, one by one they started having their own lives. They seemed happier than they used to be, only this time around I wasn't part of it. And that doesn't seem to matter, at least not to them. Everything changes, this is life. We have no control over this.
Sometimes you've got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding. I want to go on a road trip someday. Alone or with someone I love. I want to get away. Maybe never even come back. I want to explore places. Sleep in the car. Stop a lot just to admire the view. Visit museums and try out coffee shops. Listen to my favorite albums while driving. Have a polaroid camera and take pretty pictures of the sunrise. Take pictures of myself, and the one I love. I want to run through a forest. Chase fog. Chase the sun. Spend hours in a field laying on my back looking into the sky telling a story with the shapes of the clouds. I want to feel the wind in my hair. Buy souvenirs. Meet people from all over, and hear their stories. Learn as many cultures and languages as I can. I want to take the time to observe, I want to make memories.
I want to feel alive.
