Continued from Part I - read it here.
We’ve all wondered what it would feel like; one split second you are just another hopeful, and the following split second you are a champion. In that second split, that tiny fraction of a moment, you establish a legacy; instantaneous immortalization. How does one’s brain comprehend this herculean change? Just ask Michael Phelps. He exists in a chronic state of deification. There's enough bling around his neck to construct a life-sized statue of himself, which is how most people perceive him to be anyways; made of solid gold. Say "gold" 23 times, fast; it feels strange right? You sound like a crazed junkie salivating over your greed...unless you are Michael Phelps and are simply reading your resume (Linkedin: author of two books....oh, and part dolphin).
But it’s not too late. You too can be an Olympic champion; a gold medalist. In fact, Michael Phelps has been kind enough to reveal his training program to all of us little people, and how hard can it be? Here’s all you’ve got to do; wisdom bestowed upon us by the Jedi master himself…
End your daily practice with the icing on the cake (500 abdominal exercises): After that six-hour doozy, you might find yourself losing control of your body in ways you’ve never experienced, but you’re almost done and that gold medal is brighter than the stars you're probably seeing. Phelps says he ends his practice day with a couple of abdominal exercises. If you can learn to overlook my dangerously inaccurate use of the phrase “a couple,” and force 500 into that intended pair, then this should be like taking candy from a baby compared to the above training (if that baby was a 7-foot ninja turtle...but potatoes, poTAtoes). A strong core is essential for efficient swimming because the core is the anchor of the body. Just check out Phelps after he’s won an event; that torso demands attention. Nothing says victory quite like a gold medal and a 24 pack of abs.
Take 50-degree ice baths: Recovery is the most important part of the physical aspect of training. Even though Phelps has gotten older over the course of his five Olympics (even the best can’t out swim time), he’s kept his competitive edge with purposeful recovery tactics. One such tactic requires an active dedication to hypothermia. The theory behind chill is that exposure to cold can combat muscle fiber micro-trauma caused by intense exercise, thereby diminishing soreness and tissue breakdown. After a long day of strain, it’s time to sit back, relax and step into a pool of glacial run off. As your body seizes in the ice, take a moment to remember that this is part of the process. An Olympian like Phelps grits his teeth and jumps right into the water with an unwavering commitment; like that of Kate and Jack in Titanic, albeit with a significantly better outcome (she totally let go of you, Jack!).
Get adequate sleep: Say no more, because this is the best part. As sleep is the body’s natural healing time, a good night’s rest is how you repay the debt you owe to your distraught body. Phelps doesn’t skimp on his rest; he needs it to stay in gold-medal-ready shape, and unlike most of the other training steps, you can master this one immediately. Imagine the kind of quality shut eye you will get after a day of fighting through Dante’s Inferno; if the 9 circles of hell were all mile-long swimming pools.
Eat. This is the good stuff: Food. Second to winning a gold medal, an Olympic food program seems to be the best aspect of preparation to be a champion, and let me tell you, Michael Phelps wins in this arena too. The dude eats 12,000 calories a day while training. That’s right, TWELVE THOUSAND (that deserves all caps). If you want to be the best, you’ve got to eat every meal like it’s your last. I’m talking “super-size me please”, extra scoop of ice cream on the sundae, king sized candy bars, quadruple shot of expresso, Costco portion feasting. You should feel like you’ve consumed the amount of food it would take to feed a small village by the end of the day. While you’re at it, you could even do some good. Find a local restaurant that’s struggling to stay afloat, and single-handedly keep it in business. Here’s a Phelps nutrition guide:
Breakfast: *Make sure you’ve got a chicken coup on hand for this one* Three fried-egg sandwiches with all the fixings, two cups of brew (coffee for those of you who were like “whaaaaaat??”), a five-egg omelet, bowl of grits, three pieces of French toast, and three chocolate-chip pancakes. You can’t make up stuff like this people; Michael Phillmeups with carbs and protein because goldgoldgoldgold(…x23 and counting). Without context, this looks like a Denny’s menu, but we know it’s so much more; it’s what glory tastes like.
Lunch: On to the next one. One pound of pasta (respect), two ham and cheese sandwiches, and one thousand calories worth of energy drinks. I don’t know what a pound of pasta does to you, but I’m pretty sure it’s leads to something called Celiac. Add two more sandwiches to the mix and you might just get drunk off of the field’s worth of wheat fermenting in your stomach.
Dinner: This meal feels like a victory lap. Another pound of pasta (mic drop), one full pizza, and more energy drinks. If you don’t have some sort of gluten intolerance at this point, then you’re doing something wrong.This plan requires you to launchguerrilla warfare on your digestive system thrice daily. Just when your body thinks it’s reached a stalemate, WHAM, another merciless onslaught of calories. But mastering the art of Olympic eating is crucial. Before you can truly harness the energy it takes to power through a 200m butterfly with a Phelps like fury, you must learn to exploit your appetite like that of an 82-foot blue whale.
Get Sh*t Done. The final part of the Michael Phelps training plan is simple: become the most decorated Olympian of all time. This might seem tricky, but when you look at Phelps’ rap sheet, he only seems to have done one thing to achieve his celebrated status: set records. You too can set records, but this will require you to break all of his. Unfortunately, the only people that seem to consistently surpass a Michael Phelps record is Michael Phelps. To add insult to injury, if you did work hard enough to finally beat his record, he’d probably just emerge from retirement again and beat yours. And do you really want that #Phelpsface glare burning straight through your soul before a race? He's coming at you, hood up, like ", Luke, I am your father."
And there is it; how to become the next Michael Phelps. But is there really anyone who can fill those shoes? If so, you’ve got some pretty monstrous feet.
23...move over Jordan, it's not just your number anymore.
