First of all, if at any time you feel offended or attacked, you probably treat wait staff, and most likely most humans, like crap. Sorry to break it to you but you are a piece of shit.

Let’s start with before you even sit down. If you would like a booth, but none are available, you are going to have to wait your turn, or did you forget that lesson from kindergarten? Also, lose the shit attitude when you see other people sit in the tables you were too good to sit in.

If your waitress consistently ignores you and your service declines at every visit, this is because words travel fast and it is saying that your tips and attitude are trash, do better. Likewise, if you are charged for every single extra thing you asked for, it is because you were a pain in the ass. Yes, that ice was thirty cents, and I don’t know why you needed eight ranches but those were twenty-five cents apiece, as well.

Water, sweet tea, or any other beverage is not the answer to “How are you today?" I am a human, not a dog, or whatever else you think you can treat me like. If you do not have money for a tip, STAY AT HOME OR GO TO MCDONALD’S, and save the lecture about how I chose this job or how I should go to school.

News flash, I am in school, for education so maybe I will get the chance to teach your ugly kids how to be a decent human. I, unfortunately, cannot get a better job because I am in 18 credit hours and the only jobs that can fit in my busy schedule are shitty restaurants and retail. Therefore, even though I am more educated than you and obviously a lot more becoming, I still have the pleasure of interacting with your dumbass with a smile.

Below are some dumbass things people have said and every waiter’s desired response.

“Y’all got a bathroom?”

Absolutely not, we shit outside in a hole.

“I’m not paying for this?”

Well, I don’t know who the hell else is, cash or card?

“Y’all got good water?”

Nope, it tastes like absolutely nothing, order a real drink.

“Can I have fresh tea?”

Duh, I will absolutely go to the back and brew a fresh batch of sweet tea just for you in the three minutes that you are willing to wait, or I will take the same tea and add a splash of our tasteless tap water and make up a story on how it was just made by our all-star tea maker. Either way you will never know the difference.

“I know the owner.”

Sweet, me too.

“I will never be coming back.”

Damn, I will miss you.

“I was charged extra for ____.”

Well, that is what happens when you order it.