May is mental health awareness month. In the United States, it is estimated by the National Institute of Mental Health that one in five individuals, or roughly 43 million people, are diagnosed with some form of mental illness. What this means is that even if no one in your life is talking about it, it is guaranteed that you know at least a couple of people who are struggling with a mental health issue. I have been one of those people since the age of 14.
According to my medical chart, I am living with DD-NOS, or in layman’s terms, Depressive Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified. I am not ashamed of this, though I used to be – very much so, in fact. But now, due to the guidance of my mother and many others, I realize living with a mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is a health condition – a chemical imbalance in my brain – that I am managing with therapy and medication.
This is an issue that is, and has been, very close to the hearts of many families, including my own. Though I’ve waged my own battle with mental illness, my mother was first diagnosed when she was 12. At this time in our history, mental illness was severely stigmatized and rarely ever talked about. Treatments were in their elementary stages, and oftentimes, very dangerous.
At 17, my mom had a mental breakdown and was committed to a psychiatric ward for three months. Doctors experimented on her with medications and electroconvulsive shock therapy. She's even told me that she doesn't remember parts of her childhood because of this. When she tried to return to school, she couldn't face her peers due to the amount of shame and embarrassment she felt. She elected to move from her family home in Hatton, North Dakota to Fargo, North Dakota, where she stayed with her brother and wife while finishing school at Fargo South High School.
Bipolar
Throughout her life, she has been hospitalized a few times. At a very young age, I remember visiting her in the psychiatric ward at Altru Hospital for the first time. I didn’t really understand what was going on; it seemed like a vacation to me. She showed me all the arts and crafts she’d made, and told me about all the new friends she’d made in the ward. When visiting hours ended, I cried – not because I was sad, but because I wanted to stay!
My attitude changed in the coming years as her disorder really began to take its toll on our family. Without going into too much detail, our relationships were in disarray and it was not the most stable of environments. Lack of security and order significantly increase the chances of relapse for many mental illnesses, and my mother was no exception.
Schizophrenia
We spent weeks moving in between my family home and my grandmother’s house; some nights, she’d let me stay up late with her and we would talk. She would tell me stories of her past, some of which were filled with joy, but most of which were dripping with great sadness and regret. She maxed out credit cards and spent thousands of dollars on frivolous things, creating a huge amount of debt for our family. When she was admitted to the psychiatric ward again, I couldn’t understand how my mother could be so selfish and irresponsible.
Addiction
It wasn’t until a couple of years later that I truly began to understand the weight my mom had been living under for the majority of her life. I was watching Degrassi, a soap opera-like show for teenagers, in which Craig, played by Jake Epstein, was having his first manic episode. I watched as he stopped sleeping, proposed to his girlfriend (at age 16!), trashed a hotel room and beat up his own stepfather. This altercation led to Craig’s first hospitalization, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once the medications had worked their way into his system, Craig’s mind cleared and he became acutely aware of all that pain he had caused.
Prior to seeing these episodes, I’d seen little to no representation of mental illness in the media. Because of this, I thought having a mother with mental health issues was something to be ashamed of. I didn’t understand it. I thought it was her fault. I blamed her for not being a “normal” mother. But slowly, I realized that my “abnormal” mother possessed a strength that those who remain untouched by mental illness will never have the chance to develop.
It is still very difficult to talk about mental health in America. The stigmatization attached to having mental health issues often results in the internalization of prejudice and discrimination. This makes it even harder for those who are struggling to come forward and ask for help. Even some of those who do get help don’t survive. Recent research has shown that the death rate for people with mental disorders was, on average, 2.22 times higher than that of people in the general population. Moreover, people who are mentally ill are more likely to suffer from homelessness, general mistreatment at the hands of health facilities, and mishandling by police forces.
When I asked my mom if I could write about her experience for this article, she didn't hesitate to say yes. Why? Because sometimes it only takes one person’s struggle to convince another that having a mental illness does not make you weak. Her story is one of strength, resilience, and courage, as is the case with all who have suffered or succumbed to mental illness.
We must make mental health a national (and international) conversation. If you are living with mental illness, talk about it with your family and friends. When you’re feeling down, call in sick to work and skip the “I’m throwing up” excuse. Instead, tell it like it is: You are struggling with your mental health, and need a day to recover. You are important and you deserve help.
If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health issue, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. You can click here for the National Institute of Mental Health’s guide on Warning Signs of Suicide.
Black & white photos courtesy of CS Photography. Color photo courtesy of thingsthatmatter.net.
