I’ve been watching college girls across the country snap back and forth at each other for weeks with these “You May X, But I Y” articles, rooted in the article that started it all. I tried so hard to stay out of it, I really did.

I want no business in girl-hate and cattiness, I’m frickin’ twenty.

But then this ludicrous article was dropped and I had to step in.

The venomous, straight-up snarky tone I read this article in was downright laughable, like a mean girl in a stupid teen movie. Honestly, I hope that this article was a joke.

Girl, how are you going to admit to Facebook stalking, describe the dress this girl will wear when she marries your ex as a “cream puff,” yet insist you’re not jealous? It sounds to me like you are. You even admitted you’re waiting for them to crash and burn so you can swoop him up! You sound bitter, honey. So sit down and let me educate you on the bullshit construct that is virginity.

The first time you have sex is so special! Whether the first time ever or with a new person. It’s awkward and goofy and typically becomes a good memory to laugh about down the road, whether you stay with the person or not. But never ever think that the person you had sex with for the first time had “tagged” you.

Your virtue wasn’t taken, and they didn’t mark you as their territory like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.

They’re just the first person you had sex with.

A person. A person you’ll always have a link and fond memory with, no matter what path either of you takes. I’ll never regret my person, and I wouldn’t have wanted it to be with any other person to be quite frank. I’m happy with my choice and I know he’d never parade our (AKA my) first time around like some kind of trophy. And if I ever learned that he did, I’d punch him in the nuts. I hope everyone can be as content with their choice as I am, though I know that isn’t the case.

While your first time having sex is kind of a big deal, the first time for literally anything is a milestone, and it’s only as big a deal as you want it to be!

You’re not “losing” anything or “giving” anyone anything if you don’t want to. Your first time can be just a one-night stand with no strings, or it can be this uber-romantic way of showing your partner how serious you are about them. Isn’t bodily autonomy cool?! These medieval constructs around virginity are just that-- medieval. And like all things medieval, they don’t translate centuries later and are ought to be chucked out of a window (let’s maybe keep “The Canterbury Tales” though).

In short: Having sex for the first time can be as big or as little a deal as you want it to be at the moment, but eventually, it becomes a memory like any other.

Your rubbing “taking” his virginity in his fiancee’s face is more of a reflection of your character than it is on his or hers.

Your low-stooping pettiness proves why you won’t be the one walking down the aisle to meet him, or anyone for the time being, at the altar. You’re too immature to have a relationship deep enough for a marriage. And I’m really sorry for you that you think his virginity allows you to wield some kind of power over their relationship. But we live in a world where tons of people have sex before getting married, so I can safely guess his future wife isn’t perturbed or intimidated by you.

I hope you grow up one day and let this guy be happy without using your one night of “Natty Lites” in a minivan to spew venom at him. Cause I promise if the guy who “took” your virginity, to use your silly words, did this to you, you’d be pissed.

You had at least one special moment and a whole relationship with him, but that’s all over. His fiancee gets to look forward to a whole life with him. Let it go.

Love and luck to you, Kelsey.