Warning: Content may be triggering to some individuals. Please proceed with caution and at your own risk. If you become uncomfortable, please click out of the article.
"Please be respectful to the victims of sexual assault and domestic violence," I heard the announcer at a recent awareness program. Victims. I had always hated that term, because it felt like I was being pitied rather than supported. It has been almost four years since I met the person who almost ruined my life and three since I left that same person. I was just a junior in high school, dealing with things that no one should have to deal with. Today, I am about to finish my sophomore year of college at my dream college, Butler University. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who has won, not a victim.
Sometimes people ask me why I talk about my abuse and seem perplexed that someone who lived through that horrible of an event would even bring it up.
"I do it, because it sets me free," I respond to every question directed towards this subject. If there is anything I have learned in the last three years, it is that I can hurt from time to time, but I will never be chained to my abuser. When I talk about what has happened to me, I set myself free from not just my abuser, but the discomfort of the subject. Too many people are uncomfortable talking about abuser. Everyone fears saying terms like "rape" or "physical abuse" and it needs to stop. Most of us are affected by abuse in one way or another.
Another reason why I talk about what happened is because it helps others set themselves free. Not everyone is ready to talk about what happened, but if I can offer someone peace of mind or the freedom to break away, then I am more than happy to speak about it. I have helped many women and men out of abusive situations. Abuse is NOT just physical, it can be emotional as well. I have experienced all forms of abuse, but I won't lie in saying that the emotional part was the worst. Nothing is worse than being belittled or dehumanized.
If you or someone you love is going through an abusive situation, know that you are not alone and never give up. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard if you feel like you have no one to support you during/after. Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because I truly believed that my abuser was going to hurt my family if I did. I remember when I left him and the giant smile that lit up my face. For the first time in months, I felt happiness.
Even though it doesn't feel like it during, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. After several years of being pitied, shamed, and judged, I still am proud of myself for fighting through the pain and hurt to be where I am today. Survivors of dating/domestic violence are not victims, they are victors. I went through an emotionally abusive relationship after that relationship and was assaulted my freshmen year of college, but I kept pushing through to help, not just myself, but others. That is why I am writing this article.
Everyone needs to know that there is happiness after leaving. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve. Don't ever give up on yourself.
If you are not sure whether you are being abused or not, I've addressed signs and misconceptions on abuse:
1. Abuse is not always physical. There is a big misconception that abuse is always physical. This is extremely incorrect. If your partner is putting you down, making you feel guilty, constantly jealous, trying to end your relationships with friends/family, stealing/withholding money, and/or threatening you, then this is not healthy. Do NOT believe that love is jealousy or aggressiveness. We must stop romanticizing this idea.
2. Men are abused, too. To some, this will seem pointless to address, but I am shocked by how many men don't realize they are being abused or have been. Men are less likely to leave abusive relationships because they are unaware they are being abused. One in four women will be abused and one in seven men will be abused. That is one too many.
3. You shouldn't have to tiptoe. If you feel like you have to tiptoe around your significant other to do even the simplest tasks, then this person is not healthy for you. You should feel like you can talk to your significant other about anything.
4. Don't be afraid to call for help. One of the hardest parts of abuse is leaving. Locate a local shelter or phone a close friend to stay with so as to ensure your safety in the process of leaving.
5. Yes, your partner CAN sexually assault you. If you do not agree to sex with your significant other, this is still rape. You do not have an obligation to have sex with your significant other.
6. Saying over and over again that they will change. My abuser was always sorry for hurting me. He would beg me to stay and I would always believe him. Your significant other should never put their hands on you ever.
7. Hiding your relationship. If you feel like you have to hide your relationship, then this is a huge red flag. I hid my relationship with my abuser for almost five months.
8. Stalking. No, it is not cute to sit outside my window and throw rocks at it while I sleep. If you feel like you are constantly being watched by your partner, this is yet another red flag.
9. Gas lighting. Abusers are particularly good at convincing you that a memory of yours is wrong. If you feel your partner is often telling you that you are remembering incorrectly or if you are constantly questioning what is reality, these are huge signs as well.
10. You will find happiness after. Abuse is hard, but moving on is the hardest part. Sometimes I have to skip class because I'm mentally drained from my PTSD. I transferred schools after my abuse and refused to let anyone in and still to this day I struggle to make friendships because of it, but I am getting better. On days when I feel afraid or sad, I remember that I am still here and they are long gone. That cheers me up instantly. I may be sad time to time, but I remember that I have the decision to be happy.
Today, three years later, I know that I am a victor. I am proud of who I am and no one can stop me from being me.
If you feel unsafe or want to know more, call
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
For more information, visit NCADV
Remember to tell yourself that you are awesome at least a million times a day and be nice to others.
