There is nothing - nothing - in this world that I hate more than trite “open letters” to incoming freshmen (or graduating high school seniors, or graduating college seniors, or whatever). These letters are invariably cliché and campy and generally saccharine to the point of nausea. They are disgusting, in my humble opinion, and require little to no actual insight or wisdom to produce. “Don’t forget to be/find yourself.” “Everyone is scared.” “Try new things.” Ugh. Dreck.

That said, I’ll take a swing at it.

My first piece of advice is this: Everyone tells you that college is a time to “reinvent yourself,” that you can be a whole new person, especially if you go to school out of state.

This is bullshit.

Sure, you can “reinvent” how you dress or something, but there’s a reason your personality is the way it is – it’s the cumulative sum of 18 or so years of experiences and it is as ingrained in you as your skeleton. While it’s true that your high school drama won’t follow you (hopefully – more on that later), that doesn’t give you license to give yourself a shitty nickname, insisting that people “definitely called you that in high school,” and completely change who you are. It will feel forced, and people will notice the inauthenticity. Just do what feels right.

That said, “be yourself” is only good advice insofar as you don’t “be yourself” all at once. In much the same way that, when meeting a parent’s coworker for the first time one shouldn’t immediately jump down their throat with one’s weirdest quirks and foibles, you shouldn’t immediately unload all of yourself to the people one meets at college. Build up to your craziest point.

Secondly, as mentioned earlier, high school shit should stay where it belongs – high school. While I’m not saying no one cares about a well-timed anecdote about high school that is relevant to the current conversation, I am, in fact, saying no one cares about anything else from your high school career. I don’t need to know your history, I don’t care about your wacky third period teacher from junior year unless it is relevant to the topic at hand. Furthermore, I recommend that you keep the anecdotes to a minimum around upperclassmen. They super don’t care.

Another thing about leaving high school shit in high school: that includes relationships. I highly – highly – advise that you break up with your high school significant other before going to college. Before you begin to argue, let me preempt to your potential responses, for they are wrong. To wit:

You say: “We’re just going to see how it goes."

I say: Look, if you genuinely think that you are part of the increasingly small portion of Americans who marry their high school sweetheart, then I promise you, you’ll be better off breaking up before college and promising to meet each other for a coffee again after you graduate and pick things up from there. You do not want to date someone freshman year – 99 times out of 100, it makes the relationship become toxic (meaning that it is beyond repair due to the level of vitriol thrown around trying to keep it together), and then you’ll never end up with them anyway. If you are in college and they are in high school, it’s hard for both of you, but far harder for the high school student, as they are missing a significant other but have the exact same situation as before, while you are having the time of your life experiencing college for the first time. They’ll grow to resent you for being happier than them (which you will be, because college is amazing), and you’ll resent them for being angry and holding you back. The ending will be spectacularly ugly.

If they’re also in college, it could be easier or harder. If they go to the same school, it’ll be easier, but you’ll still miss out on part of the freshman experience to be with them, and they’ll miss out to be with you, ending in resentment. If they’re at separate schools, add to the regular resentment some jealousy and fear, and then it’s even worse. No, if you believe you’ll end up with them, break up amiably and try again down the road – you’ll be more experienced and mature for it.

If you don’t think you’re going to marry your high school significant other, then why are you even arguing? Just break up with them already and have fun in college. Jesus. Shit’s got an expiration date on it anyway.

You say: “I know people who are still dating their high school significant other and they’re going into sophomore year.”

I say: But I know far, far more people who broke up before Thanksgiving. Statistically, you’re barking up the wrong tree. An anecdote does not an effective argument make.

Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s far harder to date someone freshman year than at any other time in your life. Make it easy on yourself and go in single. Worst case scenario, get back together with them at Christmas if you absolutely cannot handle being alone for even a second. Otherwise, you won’t regret the decision.

My fourth piece of advice is this: if you ever find yourself feeling the urge to say, “Oh my gosh this is so college,” SUPPRESS THAT URGE. Suppress it.

Number five: Don’t Snapchat the parties you go to in order to show off how much fun you’re having. You look like you’re trying too hard to the people at the party with you, and your Snapchat friends don’t give even the tiniest shit. Knock it off.

Another thing I feel incoming freshmen should know: if you choose to rush a fraternity or sorority and don’t get a bid, don’t act all bitter and start saying things like “I don’t believe in paying for my friends, but I guess I’m not an elitist.” Not a good look, buddy.

Also, if you do decide to rush, don’t choose the fraternity or sorority based on their reputation or what you’ve read on TFM. Choose a group of people you actually enjoy. That way you won’t be stuck with a bunch of really “cool” people whose guts you hate.

Finally – and this is the most important one – you will likely feel very lonely at some point. Whether you have a million friends to go out with or none, you may feel this way. It may persist into second semester. You may even want to transfer. My advice to you is simply this: don’t.

Seemingly everyone I’ve spoken to has felt this way, myself included. This is because we’ve all just left friends we’ve been close to for years. Sure, all we had in common was a similar geographic location and a building we attended seven hours a day, five days a week – but you can become close to anyone over the course of years. When you get to college, you’ll want that same feeling of closeness with your new, awesome, voluntary friends – but it won’t be there. Please don’t misinterpret that as a fundamental mismatch with your school. These things take time. You will find close friends again – but you’ll have to wait it out. Just remember, everyone is feeling the same way, whether they show it or not.

All right, that’s my spiel. I tried to keep clichés out of it. I know this is where most of these terrible, terrible articles end with some inspiring message, like “get ready for the best four years of your life,” or “this will be an adventure of a lifetime” or some such garbage. But not this one. I want the ending to this piece to really be jarring and offset any maudlin atmosphere which that last piece of advice may have created. So, you know. Piss off.