It's almost Valentines Day 2019, and you still have no idea what to do for your one and only.
Unlike regular couples who break up and move on, you have sworn your eternal lifeblood to your mate. You don't want to faux pass and buy them a dinky tin of chocolates when you've already committed your body, mind, and soul!
The age-old question remains: as a mortal, what can you do to please your immortal counterpart? It's not easy, as immortals have much to compare you to. A walk in the park or a stroll along the beach won't do. Vampires are finicky and need higher levels of attention to detail to make them happy.
Here are some quick tips to spice things up with your corpse bride.
1. Date NIGHT.
It is imperative you do not plan anything before 8 p.m. Check online for sundown charts so you leave nothing to chance.
No Italian restaurants, and ALWAYS call to make a reservation. Vampires like to feel important so be sure to advise the wait staff accordingly.
Afterword, see a late night cinema — but nothing "Dracula"- or "Twilight"-related. Surprisingly enough, Vampires hate seeing innacurate depictions of themselves in the media.
2. Red Wine.
Vampires like swirling around red wine in big, pyramid glasses because it reminds them of the sweet nectar of blood—and it may distract them from any unfortunate maimings.
The higher the alcohol percentage the better. Vampires don't want the public to know this, but they actually have very low alcohol tolerances in-between feedings. Don't let him or her drive because their blood alcohol level will be like 45 percent!
3. Spontaneous Hunting Expedition.
This is a perfect bonding exercise for any human and vamp couple. Be sure to hike high into the mountains to avoid any casualties.
Be sure to be aware of any cuts or scrapes you may have as not to entice him/ her too much ;).
If you're a woman and on your period, it may be best to postpone Valentine's Day until February 24th.
4. Brothel Trip!
Although this may seem trashy, it is actually one of the kindest things you can do as a vampire lover. Offering the blood of whores is an age-old tradition that he will thank you for.
Besides, you can watch!
5. Theater (preferably Shakespeare).
Vampires LOVE ancient literature. Some of them are even a part of it. Read up beforehand so you can quote along with them!
"Hell is empty and all the devils are here" —The Tempest.
6. Ritual Sacrifice.
Your lover will not say no to a classy ritual sacrifice. If you've done your research, they will be delighted to see your dedication to them and their way of life.
All you need is a couple of humans to complete the devil's circle — the best way to obtain these is from the catacombs of prisons where the violent pedophiles and murderers are.
NOTE: It's not cute to grab any random person for sacrifice in this day and age. So, choose wisely or risk upsetting the delicate balance of vampire/human relations.
Reminder: NO GARLIC, also NO MIRRORS — as vampires can easily become self-conscious.
7) Daylight Ring.
Although these gems can be very elusive, it is not impossible to find an authentic daylight ring. You can use Amazon, but best places to order from are Romania, Italy, and Southern California.
Check the reviews before you buy!
8. Relent to the vampiric transformation and offer your mind body and soul to them for eternity by forsaking your human life and ties to the mortal realm.
It's either that or grow decrepit while they stay forever young.
9. "True Blood" Drinking Game.
Drink every time someone speaks in a believable Southern accent.
10. Massacre Neighboring Werewolf Tribe in their Honor.
Silver Bullets are a girls best friend.
