I am not the old me. I can also guess that you think that was an arrogant answer, and you're right. That's just a part of who I am now. I never used to be this way. I would try and blame myself, but I won't, at least not anymore. It has everything to do with my life experiences with snakes. Sounds off the wall but stay with me, I've never told anyone this before.
The way I used to be just wasn't going to cut it for the life I live now. You see, I used to have friends and what you can call a "social life." I used to be "her." Now, sometimes I don't even know anymore.
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This world is full of snakes and all of these snakes have allies. I've seen firsthand what can happen to a person once those snakes slither around your neck. I was once blinded by the beautiful scales. This may sound a little dramatic, but I've been bitten by a pit of snakes all at once. When I used to be "her," snakes were friends and sometimes considered family. Their pretty features would persuade me into doing anything and going everywhere. I was naive, and anytime I would not listen to the voices of those I considered snakes, they would squeeze her tighter and tighter. Because I was good to them, they wouldn't destroy me completely. Are you getting the picture?
The person who would respect people before her is long gone. The person you're speaking to now is not who I was. By pushing myself far away from the "tall grass," I rid myself of the snakes in my life.
I don't know why these people were so mesmerizing to me back then. There was a point in time where I started to become like them. I destroyed friendships and relationships and had no respect for myself. I didn't even think twice about the bad things I was doing. Was it fun? I would be lying if I said no, but it's no secret that karma always wins in the end. That's how I became me. Karma chewed me up and spit me out. What happened then still plays in my life now and is a lesson.
If I should moved on from the hurt is a question I ask myself everyday, and I still don't know the answer. For some reason, I have let them squeeze the life out of me, and running away seems childish but sometimes running is the best option for us. Me being alone and an outcast just seems to be working for me. Even though I hate it. I feel silly for blaming others for my pain. Then again, the person inside of me doesn't care if I put the blame else where. I didn't do this to myself, they did. I'm just me, hiding from the venom and hiding my wounds from people who want to know me. Snakes are beautiful, dysfunctional creatures that love to see you struggle for air. Those are not your friends.
