"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new." — Ursula K. Le Guin, "The Lathe of Heaven"
Many things can be said about the first year of marriage. The most ubiquitous of them all would have to be that the first year is the hardest for a married couple to go through. At times, I would simply agree with this, but on some occasions, that line seemed like a cruel and blatant understatement. It sometimes has seemed as if only people who are or who have been newlyweds themselves can truly understand the falsity that is the first year of marriage being a fairytale. Many people, including myself, have foolishly assumed that between the happy wedding photos and gushing over one another that being married is always a joyous and exciting union. I'm here to tell you that it's not, but at the same token, it's also the most fulfilling, amazing, lifelong and purposeful relationship you'll ever experience (if you're with the right person).
What people normally won't tell you about the first year of marriage is that you will cry. A lot. You will fight, scream, slam doors and break down emotionally at a deeper level than you ever imagined was possible. You will be amazed at the things that go through your head and how much you sometimes want to lash out at the person you care for the most. It still intrigues me how angry you can be while still being madly in love with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It still astonishes me how easy it is talking about the bad parts of marriage. How horrible those things can sound out loud to people (that nobody feels safe enough to tell you about), but also how those things need to be said and talked about the most in order to remain transparent with your spouse and to work on your issues together.
I've learned that the people who equate not fighting with their partner to having a great marriage/relationship are full of crap. I've learned that struggling to adapt to married life (especially being young) with your spouse is a normal phase and should be taken one minute at a time. I've learned that patience is a virtue in that respect, and no matter how much you think you have, you'll never have enough as a spouse (or a parent, if you happen to be both). I've learned that even in small moments of self-reflection, my partner still can find a way to show me how to be a better person (and spouse) for him. In all that I've learned, my husband has taught me things I've never thought about before when examining my life and my choices.
Beyond vocal declarations of love and the ones I often post on social media for all to see, I am just beginning a lifelong journey of learning how to love my husband well. I've learned that fighting through difficulties day in and day out is the only way to truly to achieve that. I feel like most people my age aren't ready or mature enough to admit that marriage is more than a goddamn piece of paper. It's a frustrating, confusing, exhilarating, passionate, wonderful commitment to a person who will never tire of hearing you laugh. A person that will want to know/memorize your favorite McDonald's order and sing songs together in the car on the drive over to your parents' house. A person who will take you seriously and listen intently when you tell them something you've never even told your sister. A person that will comfort you when you failed a class, are fighting with your roommates and just missed a shift at work. A person who will love you each day, even though you may live your life sometimes way differently than they live theirs.
Brock, my love, my husband, my closest confidant and my best friend. I want to thank you. You've made me into a person that I can be proud of. You've made me an honest, courageous, caring woman. You've taught me how to fight adversity and shut down what everyone else thinks of me. You've taught me that I'm beautiful, and you repeat it every day so that I know just how loved I am. You've taught me how giving up is easy, but sticking to the vows we made on our wedding day is more rewarding than anything I'll ever know. You've taught me that being selfless is often the key to being happy. You've taught me that no matter what happens there's someone out there who always has my back. You've taught me that you are what miracles are made of in a marriage. You've taught me to laugh harder and love deeper. But, most importantly, you've taught me every day that marriage is far more than a goddamn piece of paper.
Happy one-year anniversary!
Dedicated to my husband, Brock McLean.
Aug. 8, 2015
