This past week, America took to the polls to decide the most important decisions they could make for the years to come... do they want a white Christmas this year?

Well, after looking at the results, it turns out we wanted to be festive this year and voted in the soon-to-be-next president, Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump, reality tv-star and author of Art of the Deal ran an inspiring campaign when in spite of zero political experience, decided to run for President of the United States. In a shocking conclusion of the race, Trump won and now is in charge of the free world and our MILITARY.

With Trump in office, we originally predicted that the US would not join in any wars. Trump, himself, is excellent at dodging drafts and war so it would only make sense. “But what will we fight?” you may ask? Don’t worry! That is what the LGBT+ community, Muslims, Mexicans, and anyone who isn’t covered by “the good book” is for. We’ll destroy ourselves before anything.

Well, we here like to admit defeat when we are wrong. We are now CERTAIN that this election will result in a nuclear war led by a tiny, orange, pussy-grabbing, iron fist. On the bright side, at least the nuclear war will result in nuclear winter, which means SNOW!!!

The oncoming nuclear war he is sure to induce will result in a nuclear winter, with the most beautiful blanket of radiated snow to frost and cover the dying grass before Christmas comes around if not this, then next year!

With climate change affecting the weather and often not giving us snow till deep into the winter, we are super excited to hear that we want a white Christmas this much we are willing to destroy our planet and country to get one! We might not care about those two, but at least the Christmas spirit is alive and well! Get those festive lights out and your pre-2013 Starbucks cups filled with eggnog (because FUCK those post ones).

We managed to get a press pass into the hole where Hillary Clinton slithered back into when the election was over. “Like, I knew I was going to fuck things up if I got into office, that was a GIVEN. Things are about to get hell-of-a-lot worse. At least underground you don’t need to worry about getting cold and all”. Our interview with Clinton was cut short when she thought she heard a mongoose and slithered away before we could say anything else.

Perhaps the DNC really was just trying to give us the best Christmas ever when they rigged the primaries. Bernie Sanders would have solved the problem of climate change. How the hell are we supposed to make snowmen and women feel safe when we are trying to make them not appear year round?

Whether you were democrat or republican, liberal or conservative, or actually thought for yourself and were an independent, we can all appreciate a white Christmas. So put up that tree in your newly-purchased bomb shelter and let's get through these next four Christmas seasons together, preferably with enough spiked eggnog to make a nation of alcoholic and lactose intolerant people.