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Untitled Dry Face Nightmare Project

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You!

N.A. Albertson

Jan 18, 2017

Saint Paul, Minnesota

https://www.reddit.com/user/srnoel

So I've spoken about my dry skin before (the last time from the bottom of a gnarly pit,) but this winter my skin problems have progressed past the ugly duckling who just takes off her glasses and goes to prom with the football hottie phase, to straight up horror film. I've tried everything, but the situation is just becoming more and more dire. Do you know how many lotions, and potions, I've used? Exfoliaters, hydraters, masks, masques, serums, toners, yadda, yadda, just slathered across my face to try to correct this problem? SO MANY, and my face is still falling off! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'm so angry! In fact, I'm fucking homicidal!!!!

Oh shit! Do you hear that John Carpenter synth? That's the soul music of someone who has given up hope for the good life and resigned themselves to something much more sinister. Something like murder! And what do all the cool horror movie villains have in common? WICKED COOL MASKS TO HIDE THEIR DISFIGUREMENT! All I'm going to have to do is pick a mask, get used to slaying (all day, errday, bb,) and I can finally go about life without worrying that people are judging my face! Plus everyone knows that the murder monster never dies, and by the the 10^th installment maybe I'll get to go to space! Added bonus, blood is great for the skin. Just ask Elizabeth Báthory about all the pore benefits of virgin blood. And now that this is a slasher flick there will be plenty of both around! Fucking WIN-WIN!

Wait up, hold the axe, did you know that apparently lotion with aloe vera is supposed to help with dry, chapped skin? Well, I don't have any lotions with it, but I do have some of this CVS Aftersun Cooling Gel for when my dumb ass forgets sunscreen in the summer. It also has lidocaine in it, which is a topical pain killer, so it soothes the skin as well. Just make sure to add moisturizer over the top of the gel after it drys or your face will get even dryer.

Upon application my skin has instantly calmed the fuck down. In fact my "urge to kill is fading...fading....fading.... RISING!!!! fading... fading.... gone..."

Well I guess before I sharpen my knife (or maybe string my crossbow? What about a mace? Has anyone used a blowtorch, before?) I'll give this a whirl for a while and see how it goes. Can't hurt anything but the body count! Till next time, merry mayhem, and happy human hunting!

Addendumb! I don't get paid for my endorsement. I wish, but alas I don't.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

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That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

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Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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