So I've spoken about my dry skin before (the last time from the bottom of a gnarly pit,) but this winter my skin problems have progressed past the ugly duckling who just takes off her glasses and goes to prom with the football hottie phase, to straight up horror film. I've tried everything, but the situation is just becoming more and more dire. Do you know how many lotions, and potions, I've used? Exfoliaters, hydraters, masks, masques, serums, toners, yadda, yadda, just slathered across my face to try to correct this problem? SO MANY, and my face is still falling off! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'm so angry! In fact, I'm fucking homicidal!!!!

Oh shit! Do you hear that John Carpenter synth? That's the soul music of someone who has given up hope for the good life and resigned themselves to something much more sinister. Something like murder! And what do all the cool horror movie villains have in common? WICKED COOL MASKS TO HIDE THEIR DISFIGUREMENT! All I'm going to have to do is pick a mask, get used to slaying (all day, errday, bb,) and I can finally go about life without worrying that people are judging my face! Plus everyone knows that the murder monster never dies, and by the the 10^th installment maybe I'll get to go to space! Added bonus, blood is great for the skin. Just ask Elizabeth Báthory about all the pore benefits of virgin blood. And now that this is a slasher flick there will be plenty of both around! Fucking WIN-WIN!

Wait up, hold the axe, did you know that apparently lotion with aloe vera is supposed to help with dry, chapped skin? Well, I don't have any lotions with it, but I do have some of this CVS Aftersun Cooling Gel for when my dumb ass forgets sunscreen in the summer. It also has lidocaine in it, which is a topical pain killer, so it soothes the skin as well. Just make sure to add moisturizer over the top of the gel after it drys or your face will get even dryer.

Upon application my skin has instantly calmed the fuck down. In fact my "urge to kill is fading...fading....fading.... RISING!!!! fading... fading.... gone..."

Well I guess before I sharpen my knife (or maybe string my crossbow? What about a mace? Has anyone used a blowtorch, before?) I'll give this a whirl for a while and see how it goes. Can't hurt anything but the body count! Till next time, merry mayhem, and happy human hunting!

Addendumb! I don't get paid for my endorsement. I wish, but alas I don't.