Its been 605 days. 1 year, 7 months, 27 days. Its been 605 days (as of October 12th, 2016) since you left. Seems like a long time, doesn't it? But to me it feels like yesterday. I can still remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach, when I was told you were no longer with us. I can still remember my whole body going numb. I can remember the wave of sadness that seemed to engulf me. The worst of all, I can still remember our last conversation.
Sometimes when something exciting happens, I want to go grab my phone and call you and tell you all about it. But when I come to the sad realization that I can't, it's like that blow to the stomach all over again. I can feel that wave of sadness flow over me. It's been 605 days, and I still miss you. I sometimes find myself anxiously scrolling through my camera roll just to find a picture of you. I'm scared I'll forget your face. It's been so long, I can no longer remember your laugh, no matter how hard I try. Oh, the things I would do to hear that laugh one last time. I can't even remember you voice. I saved your voicemails. I still listen to them, even if the context isn't relevant anymore. I no longer dream about you, sometimes I wish I did. It's probably easier that I don't.
The smallest things remind me of you, sometimes the smell of the crisp fall air brings me back to when you used to take me to park, or when I'm driving past places we went. It's funny how my college makes me feel the closest to you. You never came here. But our last conversation was about how excited you were for me to go to school. When I walk through campus, I feel closest to you.
In 605 days, there's so much that could change. So much has changed. But somehow I'm stuck in that day. That afternoon 605 days ago, when my life flipped upside down. I still can't turn down you're street without expecting to see you walking the dog down the block, I can't go into your job and walk past your office, because when you're not there, it's that blow to the stomach all over again.
I wish you could've been there for my graduation. I wish you could've come visit my college. I wish you could see me walk down the isle. I wish we could talk, just one last time. I wish I could catch you up on everything that's happened in my life. I wish I could call heaven. I wish you were here.
I often find myself wondering if you're watching over me. Some people say that they can feel it. I hope that you're there for my biggest moments, my happiest times, my favorite memories. But along with the happiest times, comes the darkest times. I hope you aren't there for those times, when I'm sobbing because I'm so overwhelming, when I feel like giving up. When I start missing you a lot.
Just know, I'm ok. It's been 605 days. It's been along time. Times suppose to heal all wounds, but I think this one is going to take a bit longer. I don't think I could ever put into words how much I miss you. I'll still think of you everyday.
I will carry you with me til I see you again Nana
