Over the last the week, I have been doing a great deal of self-reflection and have been thinking a lot about the next steps in my life. More specifically, I have been thinking about settling down and getting married. There is someone in my life that I am truly contemplating that with but before I can take that next step, I had to get real with myself and deal with some truths that I have been denying for a while now. One of those truths is that I have commitment issues.
I recently visited this young woman and while I was there, I started reading one her books, "Unspoken Feelings of a Gentleman." In the book the author, Pierre Jeanty, talks about many issues that men such as myself face in today’s society such as social media influence, forgiveness, trust issues, commitment issues, family issues, pornography, learning how to communicate well in various relationships in your life and so much more. The topic that stuck out most to me however was the topic of commitment and what does that look like for a young, black male in this day and age of technology.
After reading this book, I began to think about commitment and why commitment, especially commitment in the early 20s age range (20-25) is such a source of debate and confusion in today’s day and age. We live in a society that influences our decisions, especially being in a committed relationship with a partner. In today’s society more people are inclined to make a verbal promise as opposed to a commitment. If you are in a place of trying to distinguish what is the difference between the two, join the club. I had to do some research on the terms. A commitment or being commitment to someone is demonstrating behavior and attitude towards thoughts and belief that you both agreed upon, according to David Steele, author of "Conscious Dating," as opposed to a promise which is a verbal statement stating future intentions to a specific act. I am not a relationship expert whatsoever but I feel that for many young men such as myself, as we get older we want to be in a serious relationship with a partner, but we fail to understand what it means to be committed to the women you are claiming to love and would like to spend the rest of your life with.
Typically when you are dating a person, you are both trying to decide if you want to make a long-term commitment to each other. By making this commitment you have both agreed to be “all in” together and this agreement is demonstrated by words, actions and attitudes. Prior to making this commitment you have to be honest with not only yourself, but also the individual you are in a relationship with. You may want to casually commit (i.e. dating exclusively) while in other cases commit more seriously (i.e. on the road to marriage). However, if you find yourself wanting a stable and long-lasting relationship, then it is fundamental to make a serious commitment not only to your partner but to yourself as well.
As men, sometimes we struggle with what it means to be fully committed to one woman. Whether due to societal standards telling men they should get as many women as they can or being afraid of fully committing to one woman, men have a tendency to cheat on their partner. When people first think of cheating, they immediately think of physically cheating, sex. However physical infidelity is not the only type off cheating. It is very possible to cheat both mentally and emotionally as well. As men, our natural instinct is to be protective of what is ours but there are men who take for granted what they have and do not take their significant others feelings into consideration. For example, I have a friend, Colleen, who recently broke up with her boyfriend over this very issue. Colleen’s boyfriend was carrying on a friendship with another woman whom he considered his best friend (BFF).
He was in constant communication with this other young woman all day everyday via texting, Snapchatting and even phone calls. She has told him numerous times that his BFF is an issue in their relationship and that he needs to change the matter or something has to give. She was not comfortable with this woman being a friend to her boyfriend. But despite her boyfriend knowing that she had a bad experience dealing with his BFF in the past during their undergraduate careers, he continued this friendship anyways. Not only did she have a hard time communicating with her boyfriend on how she feels about the issue but also he refused to understand where she was coming from and understand that this is an issue in their relationship.
Despite all the calm argument, yelling (face to face/texting), and every day small talk about the issue, it was not resolve. She had no choice but to end the relationship because he is not fully committed to her. Her partner refuse to be mature and understand that being in a committed relationship means that your significant other comes first and that communication and listening are keys to a successful relationship.
Many partners, especially women, find this as a form cheating on them. Your partner would not like for you to share all your secrets and spend most of your time with the opposite sex other than them. Just so we are clear, when you are in an act of entertaining another person (who is not your partner) and flirting in inappropriate ways that your partner would not appreciate you are cheating, believe it or not! Be honest with your partner on the status of your interactions with others of the opposite sex. If a woman feels that their partner’s friendship with the opposite sex is affecting them moving forward within their relationship, as a partner you should put her mind at ease. Let them in as far as what the relationship is between you two, and let them be in the conversations. If the conversations are friendly as you say they are than it should not be a problem including them in the discussions. Including them make them feel secure and that they know that it is not a relationship that is more than what they think.
From a young black man’s perspective, it takes honesty and discipline in order to make a serious commitment and stick to it. As I begin to navigate these thoughts and this process, I walk away from this article with a clearer perspective on what commitment is and how it should be approached. Commitments should not be entered into lightly. Being open and honest with yourself and your significant other is a major key in whether or not your relationship will be successful.
A part of being honest is being realistic-- not idealistic-- with where the relationship is going. Although the outcome may not be what you or your significant other are anticipating you will be able to walk away with your head held high since you were being honest with yourself and your partner. When you commit to someone, you are working towards an end goal and that goal is a life-long commitment to each other. And although our generation has a skewed view of commitment, I truly believe that when you allow your defenses to come down and surrender to it, commitment to one individual is truly a beautiful thing. It is with that belief that I continue to work on myself so that I can make that commitment to one woman. To learn and grow with her and be the man that she needs and deserves for me to be.
The Journey still continues…
