I’ve been waiting for the right moment to speak out about this particular issue, and I think now is the time. I want to broach a subject I haven’t dared to touch, for fear of what people would think of me. Here’s the thing though: I don’t care anymore what people think. I know who I am, and I know that I have normal human emotions just like everyone else. Normally, I’m a pretty positive person. I always try to find the silver lining, and appreciate the little things in life. Overall, I’m very happy and content with my life. There’s still something missing though…

I’ve wanted to have kids for a few years now, but mostly it was just daydreams about the future. I even made a Pinterest board titled “Future Baby/Kid Stuff” and started a wish list on Babies“R” Us! I’ve done tons of research over the years on babies; how to swaddle them, what to eat and what to avoid when you’re pregnant, what to eat when you’re trying to conceive, staying away from toxic chemicals when you’re expecting, how to introduce your baby to your dogs, etc. There are times where I practically live my life vicariously through Babble and WhatToExpect.com, as I proactively do thorough and meticulous research on all things pregnancy and infants.

When I first got married, I wasn’t ready to have children. I still had a lot of growing up to do, including becoming more mentally and emotionally stable. I also needed to discover who I was and what I wanted out of life. I know for sure that I want to be a professional writer, and always a writer, but I would also like to be a Mom someday. I’m at an age now, where I feel comfortable with the idea of getting pregnant. If it happened tomorrow, I’d be stoked! It’s not imperative, but for now I’m just kind of letting fate take hold and do its thing.

In January 2015, I finally decided to ditch my birth control pills. I’d been taking them from the age of 16, all the way to 24. I got to a point in my life, where I didn’t want to actively try to prevent pregnancy anymore. I wanted to just see what happened, and I had my husband’s full support. It’s been about a year and a half, and nothing has happened yet.

Frankly, that’s not really a big deal, since I’m still in my freshman year of college. At the same time, I keep hoping that one of these days, I’ll get the surprise I’ve been hoping for!

Almost all of my female friends have toddlers, babies, or are currently expecting. My friends know I love them and care about them deeply, and that includes their children. I’m genuinely happy for them, and excited for their babies to reach new milestones! I love being kept up to date with cute pictures and videos of my friends’ little ones.

In contrast, when it comes to how I feel about random strangers’ kids, I’m pretty indifferent most of the time. If I’m in a particularly intolerant mood, I might come across as cold.

When I was living with roommates in Phoenix, Arizona, my female roommate sometimes had friends over who were pregnant, or would bring their kids. This was maddening for me! I didn’t want anyone else’s kids to come near me. I wanted them and their mother out of my space. I’m so glad I no longer have roommates, but that’s hardly the point. I’ve known pregnant women to act very mean, high maintenance, insufferably conceited, and just all around bitchy.

I’ve known women in the Army who brought their babies to work with them, and it always bothered me. I never said anything, mainly because I wasn’t friends with those women. Usually, I’d just carry on with work like any other normal day, refusing to even acknowledge the baby’s presence in the room. I just couldn’t deal with it. Add to that, the kid’s mom was talking about all the details of being in labor, and I just wanted to plug my ears and scream “Lalalalala!” as loudly as I could. When it came to women like that, who wanted to talk about their experiences during pregnancy, with all the gory details, I became very uncomfortable and just stayed silent. I honestly had nothing to say, and anything I thought wasn’t very nice.

Just yesterday, I was staring at my phone when a commercial came on the TV. Not bothering to look up from my phone, I heard a women say, “The day I brought Jake home…” and all I could think was, “No one cares about your stupid baby!” Upon looking up from my phone, I realized the commercial was advertising cat food. I breathed a sigh of relief, as I’d refrained from making a complete fool of myself.

So, at the risk of seeming totally crazy, I am writing this article, to share my thoughts on why pregnant women and women with babies agitate me so much. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I want kids and don’t have them right now. Any sight of a random woman with a baby, or even worse, pregnancy pictures, ignites a kind of feral jealousy I didn’t know I had in me. Pregnant women are intimidating and incredibly threatening to me.

I know that sounds weird, coming from a proud feminist, but I only became a feminist rwoo years ago. It was after I heard Emma Watson’s speech at the UN, in September 2014. I was so inspired with the information she brought to the table about what feminism truly is, because for so long, I’d believed the lie about feminism that misogynistic people had set out to portray. I am wiser now than I was a few years ago. I realized that something had to change, in order to make the world a more supportive place to live in— I realized that I had to change. With that said, this situation makes it all the more conflicting for me. I want to be supportive of the women who are pregnant or new mothers…but I just can’t. I’m constantly worried I’m going to say the wrong thing, because there are some mothers out there who are overly protective of their kids, and don’t want your opinion on anything if you’re not also a parent.

So I’m all for empowerment, and feminism, and fighting for women’s rights and justice and all that, but at the same time, this is an issue that really gets under my skin. It’s a very delicate subject for me, and there are points where I feel twinges (some days major spasms) of jealousy, when I see a pregnant stranger. Lately, it’s been the whole celebrity baby thing. I can’t stand how every other day, people are talking about some actress or singer who had a baby—it’s the most annoying thing ever!

Call me what you will, but I felt this was a good time to talk about this subject, since it’s rarely ever addressed. I’m advocating for the women out there like me who don’t feel they have a voice. I’m standing up for those who wish to be heard, but who feel contrite over their jealousy. There were times when I wondered if I was a terrible person for thinking the way I do, but after doing a little research online, I realized I’m not the only woman who feels this way. There are very few things written surrounding this subject, and most people shame other women for having these types of negative feelings.

People dealing with infertility have lots of resources and online support forums and things like that. What if your situation though, is ambiguous, and a little less complicated than that? What if you’re hoping to have a baby, and it just hasn’t happened for you yet? Then what? Not really a ton of support out there for that particular scenario. What’s even more elusive, is finding resources on dealing with feelings of jealousy and anger towards pregnant women, or women with children. I’ve seen a couple forums where someone talks about how much they hate pregnant women, and how annoying these women are, but others usually try to shut that conversation down. Usually the commenters ask that person why they wouldn’t want to support or be happy for another woman who’s having a baby. I noted though, that the people who said those things, usually already had children of their own. Therefore, they aren’t going through the kind of hell and torment, of constantly seeing or hearing about other women who have achieved the very goal you’re hoping to reach. It’s like watching someone win first place, and you didn’t even get a ribbon.

Let’s add to this, the amount of celebrities we hear about on a near constant basis who are all having kids or are pregnant with their first, second, or third…you get my point. It’s annoying, and unhelpful to be constantly bombarded with images of pregnant women all over social media.

Pregnancy is a sensitive subject for me. I think it is for many women. Probably more than they’re willing to admit, because it’s such a personal experience. It’s not easy for me to admit that I have severe feelings of jealousy, anxiety, awkwardness, and even hatred against a facet of womanhood I’ve yet to experience. I don’t like when people ask if I’m “trying." However, I’m not going to write some list about “20 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Woman Who’s Trying to Conceive," because it’s not my place to try and censor people. They can feel free to ask me anything they wish, and I in turn will answer candidly, even if it does bother me or incites embarrassment. I will not act bitchy or holier than thou, like some of those women who made me feel nervous to ask questions or to say anything to them.

So, just because I’m focused on college and being a full-time student/writer at the moment, doesn’t mean I don’t want a baby. Just because I’m not actively trying, doesn’t mean a want to prevent anything from happening. Just because I’m happy for my friends’ pregnancies, doesn’t make the times I got negative results on a pregnancy tests any less devastating. Just because I’m supportive of women’s rights, doesn’t mean I enjoy having information about other people’s parenting journeys shoved in my face every time I turn around.

Whenever my turn comes, I’ll be happy. Until then, it remains a sensitive subject for me.