I CAN’T FIX WHAT I CAN’T FIND…

Most of the time I feel numb, Empty… It is my neutral phase, my resting face as it were. Neither positive nor negative. During this time I survive but don’t live. I don’t cut or cry. I don’t laugh or sing. Nothingness…

The next most abundant is my negative feelings. There are both physical and emotional negatives. Physically I feel weak. I feel hunger, but nothing is appetizing…my limbs feel like lead. I feel a pressure on my left chest and shoulder and it gets stronger the longer it goes. I cut. They aren’t deep. It’s more of a visual for me, I’m seeing a reason to feel some sort of pain. I cry, I reach out to anyone or anything…Sometime that results in behaviors that I often later beat myself up about…Emotionally I'm ripping myself apart. Everyone else becomes greater in my eyes while my own self-image shrinks.

Then there is the hyper-active. I think I'm feeling happy feelings. I feel powerful. I feel like I can fly. These times don’t happen a lot, but they do happen. I can do cartwheels for a long time! I can run for hours and not feel the need to drink water. I climb trees and swing on swings. A child-like energy courses through my veins. I smile and laugh at EVERYTHING! I’m quick in silly sarcasm. I sleep less or not at all. I suppose I don’t pose much of a danger to myself, or do anything “too crazy” so people think I’m in a good mood.

In all of these times I AM STILL THERE! I’m in my own head watching…Screaming for it to stop. The real me feels an emotion…I feel peace. I feel calm and like to sit back and read a book, or draw, or paint. When being negative I am watching in horror as I do things I would never do. When I am manic, I am embarrassed by the spectacle I am making. In my numb periods I just watch and wait to see which way I’ll go… It’s like watching an infant learn to walk , you know they will fall eventually, you just have to anticipate when and what way…I show up as me in front of very few people. You’ve probably never seen ME unless I’ve fallen asleep around you alone.

Feeling a pain isn’t enough to be in pain…Do you know how crazy someone feels when they feel a pain, physically and the doctors look you over, do whatever tests they can and tell you not only are you not sick but you are in fact very “healthy”? At best they say, ” oh, well your vitamin D is slightly low…if you go get some from the store and take it every once in a while you should feel better…” Or they explain to you about what fruits have potassium in them and that its okay to eat one every once in a while. All I want to shout is “I KNOW!!!” I UNDERSTAND what is right…I understand what is good to put in my body, and what is bad. I know how to “think positively” and why I should…I even know to set goals to aim for. Do any of these work? Not really…I’ll try it for a few weeks telling myself that I’m going to get better but I don’t.

When I feel physically unwell I do my best to take care of what I can. When I don’t understand something I go to a doctor…and they understand about as much as I do about it. On occasion I have even gone to the ER because I was in so much physical pain. I cry out…a Nurse once said “stop yelling! It isn’t going to help you.” wow really? I couldn’t tell! Ok, the next time you hurt remember not to cry out! That is not what I’m worrying about! Any way, they stare at me and talk to me like I’m faking it…I feel embarrassed and frustrated…You can’t fix what you can’t find…and when a doctor can’t find anything they behave has if nothing could possibly be wrong with you. I’m not doing this for attention guys! I don’t go to the doctor for fun…Anyone who knows me can attest that I HATE GOING TO DOCTORS! I will do everything else I can think of before I go to one…

Oh, how about just the emotional health? Counselors all seem to say the same thing…I can almost say what they are about to say as they open their mouths. Several times they have even told me that they can’t do anything with me and that maybe I should go to a doctor…and then the doctor checks everything and they say that I’m fine I should go see a counselor…hmm where does the circle end?

I seem to be unfixable.