No. Nein. Non. Não

A simple word with incredible capacity. A statement that has centuries of beginnings and ends forged by its very utterance. To say no is to speak definitively, to speak one's mind. It trails from our lips without thought every day as if it were a passing car on the street. Yet for some, saying no is a daunting task, a challenge that they simultaneously fear and yearn to conquer.

Society has several titles for individuals incapable of saying no: pushovers, people pleasers, peacemakers. I call them "yes addicts". To some, it may be considered a weakness that others may capitalize on and take advantage of. On the other hand, yes addicts are sometimes presumed to be heroes, their agreeable behavior often translated into kindness. So why is it so difficult for these patrons of positivity to say no, especially when it is the thing they desire most?

Think about a moment when you said yes to someone who was in need--that time a coworker needed a shift covered, or when a friend asked if you could pick them up from work because their car had broken down. For a brief instance, you were the hero that came through. It may have inconvenienced you, but it was worth it to help someone out. Good karma, right?

Now take that situation and put it on an infinite loop. Never say no. Well, maybe never is a far stretch, so let's settle for 90% of the time. Agreeing or saying yes to requests and favors often yields positive reinforcement. The one who says yes is thanked profusely for being selfless and dependable. It's nice to be thought of as the person that people may rely on. But when does it become too much?

The mentality of a yes addict may be explained as such: saying yes all the time is a way to justify that people like and appreciate them because of their willingness to agree. It is a sort of popularity boost. Take this situation for example:

Jessica has a paper due the next day, but her work called in and desperately needs her to cover a shift that night. Her boss stresses to her that they really need her help, and soon Jessica is caught in a conflict. She knows she needs to say no because she has this paper to finish, but she also wants to help out at work, knowing she will be given a metaphorical gold star for saving the day. She also doesn't want to disappoint her boss and she's never been good at saying no anyways. She decides to go to work, even if it's against her better judgment.

By agreeing to go in, Jessica has fulfilled, in her mind, a good deed. Perhaps she felt obligated to go because she needed others around her to validate that she is a kind and dependable person. Or, we can look at it another way. Jessica might have said yes because she was afraid to say no. No is defined as a negative response to a question or demand, and oftentimes, it generates conflict. Now we aren't necessarily reducing the term "conflict" in this sense to outside forces. Conflict to a yes addict can also apply to their inner turmoil if they say no. If I say no, maybe I'll inconvenience them. What if he gets mad if I say no? I don't want to hurt their feelings. By saying yes, one gets to avoid the possibility of conflict, even if they wholeheartedly wish to respond with the opposite.

The problem is, yes addicts won't stick up for themselves. If it hasn't already been insinuated, we can clearly assume that those who won't say no are generally passive, go-with-the flow kind of people. They tend to bottle things up and refuse to speak their mind. This presents a problem if they begin to believe that their generosity is being taken advantage of. Some people will capitalize on a yes addict's agreeable behavior, knowing they will say yes. This is not to say that said people do this with malicious intent, but the yes addict might see it that way. They might grow resentful toward others, when the issue really lies with their frustration at not being able to speak up for what they want.

The question remains: what is a yes addict to do? When saying no seems practically impossible, it may feel like there is nowhere else to turn. But there are solutions. Baby steps. The objective is to force the yes addict to stick up for themselves. To put what will make them happy before what would make the other party happy. This can be achieved relatively easily, without having to say no directly to people (since that may trigger an anxiety of sorts). One may start by inconveniencing others with day to day encounters: ordering a complicated Starbucks beverage, asking a server to change an order if it wasn't liked, or request that a $20 bill be broken into 14 ones, 1 five, and 4 quarters. Sure, this makes life a little more difficult for the other person, but that's the point. Sometimes, in order to get what you want, you have to make things complicated. It's not a crime to put one's desires before the happiness of others. In fact, it is basic human privilege.

So to all my yes addicts out there, I know the struggle. If you identify with this article, I would suggest you try some of the above mentioned techniques to motivate you towards a place where you feel strong enough to speak up for what you truly want. Add your own flare, do what makes you comfortable. And who knows, maybe you'll be a nay-sayer in no time...