I have been asked a lot recently, "what is it really like being blind in one eye?" It's hard to explain what it's really like since the people who ask me have not gone through what I've gone through and know what it's like to see nothing out of an eye, but I am here to tell you some of the struggles I face on a daily basis and what exactly I "see."
First, it is pitch black. ALL. THE. TIME.Imagine being in a pitch black room at 2 in the morning. You can't see anything, right? Well, that's what it's like 24/7 for me. Even on the sunniest days, it's still dark. Most of the time, it doesn't affect me, but there are days where it makes me wish I could see all the sunlight again. I know that sounds weird, but when all you see out of one eye is darkness, you constantly wish you could see full sunlight.
Remember your first real heartbreak? When your significant other said it was over and you could feel your heart drop into your stomach? That's what it felt like when my cornea specialist confirmed I would never be able to see again. Being blind is like going through the worst breakup ever. It's hard to swallow, tough to conquer, but it can provide a valuable life lesson.
Do not feel bad if you catch yourself laughing at this next part because it's pretty funny. I am FOREVER running into things. Because I have one working eye, my depth perception is completely off, so I am always running into a desk, tripping over things, and accidentally crushing and making a piece of paper fall to the ground when my professors are trying to hand back papers. It's even funnier because since I can't see anything on my left side, I can't tell what's next to me. One time at work, I had sat a couple down at a table and the way Olive Garden is set up, there are poles set up right in the middle of the aisles. I turned around too fast and smacked right into the pole because I couldn't see it. It's a funny thing to think about, but it is a serious problem I deal with on a daily basis.
You'd think that after being blind in my left eye for over a year, my self-esteem would be a lot higher by now, but it's not. When you have one "normal" looking eye and then a dilated pupil as your other eye, it's hard to make eye contact without being judged. It's even harder to get through the day with low self-esteem when people are constantly looking at you different eyes and talking behind your back about how you look. I've seen messages from people who have said things about what my eye looks like and I've been approached by complete strangers who have made nasty remarks about my eye. The things said about my eye really get me down sometimes, but I've come to realize that this is me now. I may not look "normal", and I use quotations because what exactly does normal look like? This is who I am, people will say what they want and I cannot let that affect how I feel.
You probably don't remember when you had to learn to read or write when you were younger, but I'm sure you could say it was hard to do. Remember learning to drive for the first time? All complicated things to do. After my accident, I had to learn to do it all over again; reading, writing, and driving. It's harder to focus your only working eye, so it's so much harder to read. As for the writing part, when your depth is off, you can't exactly tell where the lines on the paper are, so you have to take your pen and make the pen touch the paper and line first before you start writing. Both get easier after a few times, but it's extremely weird and difficult at first. Now, my favorite question EVER: "can you drive?" YES, I CAN DRIVE. Believe me, it was just like I was 15 years old again getting my learner's permit again because I was all over the road. Once again, with the depth perception issue, it can be hard to tell where the lines are on the road, so staying in the lines can be hard. Just like everything else though, it gets easier over time.
I can go on forever about my daily struggles, but I am going to end it with the biggest problem I face, and that is light sensitivity. I don't have an iris anymore, so more light gets in through my pupil. If you've seen me out in public, you've seen me with my sunglasses on, either outside or in class, you've seen me look down a lot, and you've seen me nod my head a lot while I try and look up. I do all of that because it is SO hard to see in bright areas. My light sensitivity has gotten better in the past couple months, but it's still difficult to look up or to not squint when I'm outside or in a well lit area.
The point of this article is to not make you feel bad for me, but to have everyone understand what someone who suffers a traumatic eye injury and goes blind goes through everyday. Yes, it is the hardest thing to get through, but I am a firm believer this all happened for a reason, so I do everything I can to make it through the day, no matter how hard it is. I want everyone to do one thing: next time you see a blind person, think about what they have to go through. My situation is different than someone who was born blind, but they still go through a lot.