"Come with me," it whispered. "I know what you can do to take back control."
I struggled against the temptation I felt. I knew this wouldn't help me. I knew this wouldn't give me any semblance of control, but I so desperately, desperately needed something to cling to. For life.
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"I shouldn't."
"If you eat, you'll just keep eating. Avoid the kitchen. Avoid the food court. Look at you. You need this."
Its voice rang loudly in my ears. I looked again in the mirror, then over at the pantry, then back to the mirror. My stomach grumbled, the way it had been for two days. I cringed. This disgusting stomach of mine.
"Fine." I stumbled over thought after thought. In the end, my own integrity would lose every time. "You win."
I sighed and walked away from the kitchen.
It always wins.
--------
Imagine having a place to go, a hand to hold, a voice to listen to. Imagine it speaks softly to you and promises great things for your future.
Now imagine that the future it wants to lead you toward is death.
Having an eating disorder is a private battle.
According to the Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA), 40% of college-aged women struggle with an eating disorder. The actual percentage, as is often the case, is concealed within the population due to fear or denial of having the disorder. Although this statistic is incredulously high, struggling with an ED is as much a personal, private battle as any. There's a certain degree of guilt and shame associated with every eating disorder, and everyone who faces this battle does so in silence and secret out of fear of being judged, or more likely, being stopped. Eating disorders are not a fad. Nor are they a cry for attention. Eating disorders, from anorexia to bulimia to binge-eating to non-specified behaviors, stem from a high degree of warped thinking about one's body or food intake. They often develop as a way to cope with extraneous anxiety, depression, and body dysmorphia. The voice of the disorder is heard by the individual facing the disorder and that person only. Over time, however, it comes to be known that the needs of the disorder are truly insatiable - until there's nothing left of whomever it feeds upon.
Eating disorders have no face.
Despite popular imagery and stigma, eating disorders are not just for already-thin white women. Anyone, and I mean anyone - men included - can develop an eating disorder. It's neither a sign of weakness nor strength. ED's are also not restricted to not eating or eating too much. There are a range of behaviors that make up an eating disorder. An individual may restrict for the majority of the day and binge at night with the intent to control weight through diet and mealtime scheduling, even if it's proven that this isn't an effective way to lose weight. There are those who might binge but not purge afterwards. There are those who might abuse diuretics. There are "fear foods" - or foods that one may avoid at all costs out of an illogical fear of the food itself or its effects on the body. Eating disorders wear many masks and are suited for the individual's vulnerabilities. It's not all about losing weight by not eating. It can also be about the compulsivity to eat or not eat, to exercise, to weigh oneself, or to engage in harmful compensatory behaviors such as counting calories, body checking, or neglecting self-care. There are countless behaviors that accommodate and promote disordered eating habits, but being honest with yourself about your condition and allowing self-love and compassion to drown out the disordered voice is entirely possible, too.
Whatever the behavior, help is available.
I was in a partial hospitalization program for over a month for my own disordered eating habits. I've struggled for years with my body size and shape, and rather than commit to accepting myself, I settled on not eating. And then binging. And then not eating for a longer period of time. And then binging for a longer period of time. I watched my disorder gain speed before I had any sort of chance to fight back, define it, or control it. I watched my body expand and shrivel. I watched myself lose my grip on something I needed to be able to do to survive. The entire function of the disordered voice is to trick you into thinking that you're in control, when in reality, eating disorders take away any chance you could hope to have at controlling much of anything at all. Anxiety and eating disorders are heavily influenced by one another. Those who suffer from anxiety may feel overwhelmed and helpless in the face of many mundane issues, such as eating. The faux-solace found by too many people comes in the shape of an ED.
Fortunately, there is help, and there are ways to truly regain control. Disordered eating habits are exactly that - habitual. As is any sort of habit, eating behaviors are hard to break. It may take lots of time and counseling. It may take a trip or two to the local mental hospital. It may take a single self-help book. Whatever the solution, it all begins and ends with the work the individual is willing to put in to live the healthy life they deserve, and there is absolutely NO shame in seeking active treatment for any psychological disorder. None. It isn't easy. I certainly don't think it is. I struggle every day with getting myself to eat three full meals even if I'm hungry, but what I've learned is that that's okay. As long as I'm doing my best to give myself what I deserve - as long as I stop listening to the ED voice - I know that somewhere along the line, I will be okay. Self-love can't be taught, but it can be practiced. I will be okay.
