With finals around the corner, you are wrong for taking off your time to read this. Nonetheless, I should probably teach you something in exchange for your time. Did you know that twenty percent of office mugs contain fecal matter?

Twenty percent isn't a terrifyingly large percentage, but if twenty percent of people died bungee jumping, I wouldn't go. I'm not saying that people die from ingesting fecal matter – they don't. There is actually a fecal transplant used to treat C. difficile colitis, but I still don't think your fecal matter is FDA approved. Yeah, our immune systems are strong enough to fight a little bacteria, and babies often do eat fecal matter. But the thought of ever having fecal matter enter my mouth is enough to stop me from ever touching an office coffee mug to my mouth (#LoveYourself). But I wouldn't be so rude as to judge your level of hygiene!

Anyways, finals is a stressful time. Mainly because it's the point of the semester where you realize that you know absolutely nothing from the entire semester, and are about to be tested on it all. So first you internally freak out, then you call (or probably text) your friend and freak out together, then you try to figure out the bare minimum that you can still do to somehow get an A in that class, then you start to evaluate your superpowers as you chart how detrimental no food and sleep is for a week, and then you finally become more religious and start begging G-d. But who are we fooling? You're in college and aren't exactly the next Mother Teresa. So you decide to only sleep 3 hours a night (because you've evaluated this to be one of your superpowers). Before you know it, you're fast asleep...