Recently, I randomly saw this one friend that I haven't seen all semester and we chatted for a bit. She told me that it was great to see me and asked why I haven't texted her to hang out yet. She said the basic stuff that all basic people at USC say: "We should get lunch sometime. Text me!" Usually, I just agree and go on my way, but that day I asked her back, "Why don't you ever text me?" And then she started to argue with me. Over texting for lunch. That she wanted to go to.

I also usually am not the type to be this petty about who texts who first when we want to hang out blah blah. But I also am not the type of person who likes one sided relationships. This past fall, I realized a lot of things about people who I considered 'friends' and one of those things was that I was never truly appreciated as much as they appreciated others that they believe really 'click' with them. Either I never 'clicked' with them or I was just a buffer. A buffer for them to feel like they belonged somewhere until they found people they actually loved. After they did this semester, I received complete silence.

So, naturally, I texted them. I asked to hang and get lunch, like they wanted. I always caught up with them and gave them my brightest smile. Why? Because I didn't want to believe that I wasn't important. That I wasn't a friend. That I wasn't appreciated. Apparently, this entire time I wasn't; I just realized too late. And, quite honestly, I've had enough of this bullshit.

I told myself it's fine and people come in and out of your life regardless, but this shitty feeling of being under-appreciated really came back when this morning, another person from the past texted me out of the blue. "Man, fuck you" was what I wanted to say, but all I could ever send him was "How was your weekend?" and "I haven't seen you in so long!" Call me fake or whatever. Maybe that's what under-appreciated people do.

It's weird; sometimes you think if you treat someone the best way that you think you could because you know that you'll be treated the same, but that's not that true anymore I guess. I've been having so many bad days lately; I've lost count. Many of them don't relate to this petty friend drama or whatever, but some do. And those some days, my self esteem just disappeared. Now, I stand stubbornly against anyone who doesn't reach out to me and even when I could show interest, I just turn myself off. I unfortunately think I've been hurt too much and too often. And yes, I very much do feel under-appreciated. Thanks for asking.

P.S. I absolutely LOVE Chrissy Teigen and her face here is e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Bless.