Ok, this is the last time.

How many times have I said those words? How many times have I really meant it? Whether it was just a bad habit or a strong addiction, how many times have I had to give up the same old things only for them to resurface again and again?

Ok, I'm finally letting go.

How many times have I made that promise? How many times have I declared to God I was ready to give up my control and let him have the power? How many times have I tried to take that power back?

Ok, I'm never going back.

How many times have I declared those words? How many times have I determined my testimony was complete? How many times have I relapsed and realized God isn't finished with me yet?

I cannot count the number of times I have "quit" something only to turn back around and run back into the same thing I said I was finished with. Whether it's a sin, or a person, or bitterness, or control, I constantly find myself giving things up to God only to turn around and take it right back. It's a constant battle. Not just every day but every moment I have to decide whether I am going to turn it over or take it over. And a lot of times, despite my better judgement, I take it over.

Paul put it this way, “I want to do what is good but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway" (Romans 7:19, NLT). Paul was a strong Christian at this point in his life, but he still admittedly struggled with giving into his sinful nature. Despite becoming "a new creation" with our old, sinful selves passing away after accepting Christ; we don't become perfect overnight (2 Corinthians 5:17). In fact, we don't become perfect at all until we go to be with God. This is why Jesus charged his followers in this way: "if anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross daily, and follow me" (Luke 9:23). Godliness is not instantaneous, it is something we must strive for and pray for on a day to day basis.

Don't get me wrong, the waiting is hard. I like seeing results right away, and having to trust God's timing when I just want to be perfect and always know the right thing to do gets really difficult. Honestly though, my desire to be better quicker tends to cause me far more harm in the long run. I take shortcuts and quick fixes that cause serious long term damage that takes far more time and frustration to fix than trust and obedience would have.

It's kind of like popping your back. When you feel really stiff the first thing many people do is pop the joint that aches. It makes you feel better and is quick and easy to do. But when you go to a chiropractor or doctor later on, all the quick fix back cracking tends to cause a lot of damage that takes time, care, physical therapy and sometimes surgery to correct. It would have been better in the long run to talk to somebody who knows about your ailment than to try to fix the problem on your own without the proper knowledge.

It's hard. Trusting, waiting, giving up control, it's all really hard. And it's something we have to decide to do every day. It's also something we're going to mess up every day. You can have all the determination and drive and motivation to be perfect and you will still make at least one mistake. Probably a lot more. But there's good news. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV). Some translations read "mercies" rather than "compassions." It's a symbol of hope in the midst of tragedy. No matter how badly you have messed up, no matter how tough your situation, tomorrow is a new day, and God still loves you and is still with you. Lamentations was written from a very dark place in Jewish history, but even in the midst of tragedy (heavily influenced by their own actions), God still cared for and looked out for his people. He was and is faithful.

No matter what you're facing, no matter what it is you keep running back to, God is good and he is faithful. His mercies are new every morning and he is ready and willing to take the reins and guide you through recovery. It's not easy. It's not fast. But it's possible. It takes patience, perseverance and faith that God will get you through. Start letting go every day, and watch what God can do in you and through you.