Anxiety. What is anxiety? A lot of people seem to throw that word around aimlessly. If you ask a normal person what anxiety is, they'll tell you it is, "a sense of fear or worry." However, if you ask somebody who struggles with an anxiety disorder, you're going to get a very different answer.
The reality of it is, for some people, anxiety is their worst nightmare. I can tell you personally for me it is. I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I have since I was five years old. However, when you're five years old, it's very hard to diagnose an anxiety disorder. A lot of people have no idea what it's like to suffer from an anxiety disorder or any kind of mental illness. In fact, a lot of people think they have an anxiety disorder, but that may not be the case. However, I am here to put all your questions to rest (or at least try to). It's time to unveil and unmask the ugly truth of what an anxiety disorder actually looks like and to see it as it truly is.
Now, I'm not going to go through my whole life story of living with anxiety. That would take way too much time to write and most of you would be not interested (which is totally fine). I am going to share a very personal and meaningful memory with you, though.
About a year and a half a go, I took a trip with my drama club to Champagne Urbana to go to Theater Fest. U of I puts on this wonderful festival, and if you enjoy drama at all, I encourage you to go! Anyway, we hopped on the bus from my high school and took the two-hour trek over to The U of I. When we arrived, we stopped at the Dairy Queen right outside the city. My friends and I were laughing, eating and having a wonderful time. After that, we headed over to the introduction ceremony of the festival. In the U of I's theater building, there is this huge auditorium. When I say huge, I mean massive. It probably fits about 10,000 people. This is where the introduction ceremony was being held. I remember walking into that auditorium and being shocked and taken aback by how big it was. Then I noticed all the people filling the auditorium. The lights flashed, signaling us to take our seats, so I went and I sat down with the rest of my group. We were smack dab in the middle of everybody and everything. We were surrounded on all corners and the place was full now! The exit was pretty far away, and I remember thinking, "This is not gonna be good." The show started and for a while, I was just fine. Then suddenly this sickening feeling hit me and I wanted out, and I wanted out right then!
The thing about anxiety disorders is, the panic and the fear comes on without any warring. It can be triggered by almost anything. Most people with generalized anxiety disorders don't really know what causes their anxiety; It kind of just hits them like a brick between the eyes.
So I was sitting in my seat and I was panicking. I wanted to get out. I felt trapped, like I couldn't get out. I couldn't move and I couldn't tell anybody. I was silently suffering. The best way I can explain it to somebody who has never experienced a panic attack before is like this. Have you ever had those dreams where you have to get out of somewhere, or you're being chased by someone, but all you do is keep running and never find the end, and eventually the bad guy catches up to you? That fear and that panic that you felt in that dream, is exactly what I was feeling at that moment. That is the feeling that hundreds and thousands of people feel on an everyday basis who suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder.
It's not rational. We are very aware that it is not rational, and that might be one of the worst parts about it. We know it's not rational, and it doesn't matter how many times we say that to ourselves. It doesn't help the enclosing panic and fear. We feel helpless and crazy because we know we are not being sane, but we just cant do anything about it. Which causes us to feel even more panicked and trapped.
That night, after the introduction ceremony was over, and I sat in my seat and panicked the whole time, we went back to the hotel. I got sick. My stomach was in knots, and I was covered in a cold sweat. I was shaking uncontrollably. I made an excuse to my friends that I just didn't feel well and I went and took a shower. I calmed myself down by taking deep breaths and just concentrating on the water falling over me. When I got out of the shower, the anxiety was gone for a little bit. I stayed up. laughed with my friends, and then it was time for bed. Then it hit me like a brick wall again!
I remembered thinking and worrying about what tomorrow was going to hold. What were we gonna do? What was gonna happen? I'm away from home, what if I need help? So I laid in bed with the crippling fear, shivering, sweating and trapped in my own brain. I did that all night. When it was morning and time for breakfast, I was not hungry. I had this huge knot in my stomach and throat and I was nauseous. This fear and panic followed me around all day. I was tense and irritable and worried all day. I ate nothing that day because I was so anxious. My stomach would growl, and I could feel the hunger, but I was so trapped in my own fear, I couldn't do anything about it.
This cycle continued for the whole weekend. After the weekend away, when I got home, it followed me. I suffered like that for a month afterward. I barely ate. I didn't talk to anyone. I became very depressed and I could never relax. The bags under my eyes were so dark. The sleep deprivation and lack of food were taking its toll. I lost ten pounds during this whole time. I was a wreck and I knew it. That was the worst part. I was trapped inside my own brain and I couldn't get out!! No matter how hard I tried to escape my own head, I couldn't get out!
I finally went to my dad one day, and I said, "You have got to put me in the psych ward! I cannot go on like this!" His face, when I said those words, broke my heart. He started crying and he said, "My Faithy, if that's what you need that's what we'll do. But you are strong and you are a fighter, and our God is bigger than any fears you are facing right now." My dad prayed over me right then and there. I went to my room and I looked up bible verse after bible verse about anxiety and I wrote them on sheets of paper and I posted them all over my wall. That night I prayed like I have never prayed before.
The next day I woke up relaxed and anxiety free. That is no coincidence. That is God!
So this is a message to people suffering with anxiety or think they might have an anxiety disorder: it is and will be tough. There are still days I wake up in a blind panic for no reason at all. But let me tell you something, you are not crazy! You have a mental illness that is just a severe or more severe than a physical illness. In those times when you can barely move because you are so anxious, remember you are strong and you will beat this! You can do this! Don't let anybody put you down because of this illness. Lift your eyes up to the Lord because I can say with all certainty that He will help you through! I encourage you to read and share this message with others, and if you have any questions about anxiety disorders or panic disorders, don't be afraid to comment and ask. Share your stories. Let people know they are not alone! To God be the Glory,
Faith Tyler
*** Philippians 4:6-7
