I went to a private middle school made up of some of the prettiest human beings I had ever seen before. If they’re reading this article, they know exactly who they are. My mom and dad (bless their hearts) will still argue with me that I was just as pretty as the other girls. I went to school with girls with shiny blonde hair down to their hips and the biggest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. And they went to school with me.
Walking into middle school on my first day, I was incredibly afraid of being made fun of. I didn’t find myself pretty. In fact, I insisted to my mom multiple times that pretty girls had blonde straight hair and blue eyes, no exceptions. I was a bit too tall for my age and gap toothed with frizzy short hair that I never left alone. My twelve-year old self woke up every morning and thought it was cool to straighten the front pieces of my hair until they were flat as a board while leaving the back as a curly rat’s nest. I never had acne, but I chose to wear concealer most days anyway. I chose a concealer two shades darker than my regular skin tone that I was convinced made me look flawless. The truth was I was full of flaws, and for awhile it really bothered me.
When you go through an awkward stage, and trust me everyone does, you can sink or swim. Kids are incredibly cruel at that age, so a gap in your front teeth requires a quick remedy. One morning it hit me that my teeth weren’t going to straighten up overnight and my hair wasn’t going to bleach itself any time soon, so I turned to laughter. That day I started fake snoring in the middle of my Language Arts class, I beamed when I heard the giggles from my classmates. It earned me an after-class chat with my teacher, but I couldn’t have been happier. From that day forward it became my mission in school to make the other kids laugh, whether it was a stupid joke I made in passing or a full on comedy act.
After I started to make kids laugh I realized, maybe looks weren’t as important as I once thought. I began worrying about being a good friend, having a great time, and laughing a lot. By the end of middle school, I had plenty of friends and plenty of confidence. So what if my hair wasn’t long and blonde? And who cares if I was still towering over some of the boys in my grade? I loved myself. In fact, I cracked myself up on a regular occasion.
Eventually I entered high school. My biggest worry in my pre-teen years was that my first boyfriend would have to stand on his tippy toes to give me a kiss on the cheek, but that fear faded my third day of 9th grade when I realized everyone hit their growth spurt over summer. In fact, almost every insecurity I had in middle school seemed trivial by 9th grade. My teeth straightened out without braces, and I learned that if you are pale, your concealer should be as well. Long legs were desired among all my tiny friends, and my curly bob was now deemed “adorable”. I remembered looking in the mirror and thinking that I looked exactly the same as middle school, maybe I had lost some baby weight and my hair was a bit longer, but I was still me. It confused me for weeks until I looked at a journal I had written in 6th grade where I called myself ugly three times in one page. I found another journal from the summer before 9th grade, and I couldn’t find the word ugly on a single page. Reading these journals completely changed my life. I stopped looking to others to see what true beauty was and started looking inside myself. I had given up the excessive amounts of lip-gloss and concealer and began to enjoy the fun and goofy life I had created for myself.
By my senior year, my friends would bring up my middle school pictures and laugh, telling me how I “glowed up”. I was flattered that everyone thought I had blossomed, but I still look back fondly at my awful yearbook photos from middle school. To this day I take pride in making people laugh and being able to lighten the mood in any situation. I went through high school as a bit of a troublemaker, but being about to make people laugh with my crazy stories and experiences made up for the glares of my teachers. My crooked teeth and frizzy hair grew a confidence and light inside me that to this day is unshakable, and I thank the ugly duckling inside of me every day for that.
