Baby birds spend 2 weeks in their nest before finally leaving home. The average American waits 18 to 34 years. Which still seems too short. Yes, I know I'm 22 years old, but you honestly expect me to know how to fill out my tax return? And what the heck is a fiscal year?? Here lies the most depressing list you will read all year – things I have to do now that I'm an adult:

1. Pay Back Student Loans

If I never open the Nelnet statement, it means I don't have to pay it, right?

2. Work A Full Time Job

You mean to tell me that for the next 40+ years, I have to spend 8 hours a day NOT sleeping?

3. Use A Credit Card... or Not?

If I've never charged anything to credit, that means I have a good credit score, right? No?

4. Pay Bills

You know what? I just remembered I do not wish to own a car or a house or use water or heating or electricity or cable or Internet. Thanks, though!

5. Eat Healthy

*eats one BBQ potato chip* *burps it up ALL DAY*

6. Meet "The One"

And, consequently, spend twice as much money on food.

7. Engage In Adult Conversations At Holidays

In-depth analysis of Britney Spears's new album definitely counts as Adult Conversation in my book.

8. Buy Better / Bigger Presents For Christmas

Oh how I miss the days where a popsicle stick picture frame qualified as a heartfelt gift.

9. Behave

You know what's SUPER fun? Limiting yourself to one 12oz. margarita because you have to drive home later... NOT.

10. Behave ONLINE

Tip: It's actually just a lot easier to delete the Facebook app rather than try to bite your tongue every time you see a racist post from someone from high school

11. Shop For Groceries

Okay, I'm seeing a serious SPENDING pattern here.

12. Be Successful

Thankfully, success is subjective. While some might not consider eating 3 servings of chicken parm on a Saturday afternoon successful, I beg to differ.

To all my fellow new-born adults, good luck out there. My final piece of advice: you might as well just hand every paycheck right over to your landlord, insurance company, grocery store, and utilities company.