At the University of Central Florida, the first week of classes have typically gone smoothly in the past, but this year, a blockage has struck students by surprise. An unexpected scourge has cast a great calamity on the Orlando campus - despite the many bathrooms on campus and in dorms, nobody has been able to go number two for a full week.
Local experts believe that the cause of the college-wide constipation is move-in jitters, and consequently, a disproportionate amount of the incoming freshman class have been affected by the condition.
"This has been the worst week of my life," stated freshman Amanda Brown, who was interviewed by our reporter while in a fetal position on her bed at her Lake Claire dorm. "I've been trying to read some home remedy blogs lately on how to move on, and establish a new relationship with my new toilet," she said as she gestured for us to pass her chocolate ice cream to her while watching The Notebook. Gazing out her window, Brown added, "It just sucks when you can't get over what you once had."
"When people move from their home to somewhere new, it will typically cause stress on the body which prevents them from relaxing, ultimately inhibiting one's bowel movements," explained Orlando native and practicing gastroenterologist Seymour Buttes M.D. "It's strange that this affliction would hit so many people at once, though."
As a result, the office of President Dale Whittaker announced that the UCF campus would be closed for the week in order to allow the affected to recover in "the safety of their own residence." As quoted from Whittaker's official statement on the matter, "We have come to acknowledge that our campus does not have the infrastructure to handle a worst-case scenario, and we believe closing campus for the duration of the week will allow everyone to become accustomed to their surroundings in blissful privacy."
As a result of the severe outbreak of people being unable to poop, the privileged few who have successfully passed through to post-move jitters have found an ease of mind in going about their public bathroom experience as a part of their greater campus life experience.
"I've never seen any public restrooms be this clean in my entire life," exclaimed junior Peyton Elosegui. "I am usually never willing to put my fully human asscheek on the lid of a public men's toilet, but the conditions here have truly amazed me."
Elosegui's companion, junior Emanuel Ortega, added, "[Peyton] made a bet with me that I wouldn't lick the floor in the first-floor Student Union bathrooms, but boy, was he wrong. I'd like to thank the rectal gods for making me a rich man."
In an attempt to ameliorate the crisis, Aramark has introduced a new limited edition prune juice latte and a lentil ciabatta to the menu of UCF's campus Starbucks. "We believe that new food options are a must-have for everyone going through these recent unprecedented events," stated UCF Dining Services representative Gina Crowley.
At press time, our reporters found that Forbes™ Magazine had already posted an article lambasting Orlando millennials for "killing the bathroom industry."
*This is a fictional, satirical story.
