January 26, 2017 signifies two years of my life that have forced me into corners I didn’t know existed. It marks two years that have provided natural disasters that never seemed so natural. It is the two-year reminder of the constant battle of control and strength, pain and beauty. It is the two year anniversary of life versus death, literally.

While he wasn’t my best friend and he wasn’t my teammate, he was a peer, he was a classmate, he was a friend, he is the starting point of when life got a little twisted. His death holds different values and places in people's hearts, yet to me, his death signifies a lot of lessons learned.

Have Your Voice Heard: Become an Odyssey Creator

I learned not to wear make-up. I used to wear make-up every day, straighten my hair, and dress in what I thought guys would like. But when I entered school that Monday, when no one was supposed to know he was resting in a hospital bed, I was bare faced and shaky. I set in the back of the room as I watched my teacher hold back tears. I learned that there was no point in make-up when the news that was coming later that day would cause a lot of Alice Cooper look-a-likes. I have learned that getting the question “are you tired?” is far less painful than forcing yourself to cover the truth on your face with powder and mascara. I learned that you are beautiful with or without make-up, that you should only wear it for you. There’s beauty in pain and pain in beauty.

I learned how to comfort. As your team slept at my house for three days straight, we watched Borat and played in the snow, leaving time for silence, tears, and hugs when we no longer had energy for snowman and forced laughs. At night we left the lights on because we were to scared to be in the dark, to scared to close our eyes because we didn't know what else would be gone when we opened them. I learned that sometimes comfort comes from being alone and that I should have been there for some from afar. I found comfort in yoga, teaching me that comfort can come from breathing through the discomfort and pain, that letting yourself just feel is better than forcing yourself numb. Feeling is okay. I wish I could go back and help my community realize that.

I learned how to cope, or you could say how not to cope. It was a series of bad habits, I thought diminishing myself would let others not feel so empty. I created illusions that I was sure would make me feel better, when they actually just hurt me and those who never left my side. I coped in toxic ways, telling myself everything was fine before I ever let myself feel. I now know, two years and a lot of work later, that there's no one right way. However, there is plenty of wrong ways to cope and sometimes you need be the one helped rather than constantly helping others. That is okay.

I learned that just because one bad thing happened, doesn't mean more won't occur. Granted my last two years have been filled with beauty and brightness. Granted much worse could have occurred and I am grateful for all the positivity in 2015 and 2016. But I learned that Holden Caulfield had reason behind his insanity, that Raheim's death was not necessarily the worst thing that would ever happen (that's not to discredit how horrible and saddening his death was). A series of unfortunate events just seemed to continue on. Life would never hold the innocence it once did.

I learned the power of words. That reading can break you and writing can destroy you. I also learned that reading can save you, that writing can build you, and that words are a map to clarity and serenity.

I found space in the smallest of places, I found company in the middle of nowhere. I found hope on the darkest nights, I found security in the insecure.

It’s been two years and I now recognize his death wasn’t the cause of it all, everything else that followed might have happened anyways. It’s really hard not to think that it was the starting point, not to think that everything before hand seemed light and positive. It is a reminder to everything in the past, but this year I will take it as a start to the future.

So to those who knew him better than I, to those who were told they weren’t allowed to be impacted, to those who have no relation with his death but understand pain, to those who have been told to keep quiet because its better to move on than to grieve, to those who have a moment that might not be as deep as others but signifies something so meaningful - you are allowed to feel however you do. Take the pain of your past and present, the dark days and haunting silence and use it to carve your way through the indestructible, use it to see blue skies on rainy days and hear birds sing during a thunderstorm. Guide those still walking with their eyes closed, but always remember to love yourself because getting lost in the motion around you is the last thing you deserve.