It all started when I went into the kitchen looking for candy. I'm a candy fiend, it's a minor character flaw. I could eat Sweetarts and Warheads until my tongue goes raw, but alas, there were none to be found because I already ate them the previous day. The only thing in my line of vision at the time was an open pack of Twizzlers. I knew that I already hated this licorice the color of Satan, but I had my hunger goggles on, so I gave them a bite.

What happened next? I spit it out into the trash can. Here is a list of things that I'd rather eat than Twizzlers. Even though, that's just about everything.

1. Rubber bands

They already taste like rubber. Might as well just give me the real thing.

2. Brussel sprouts.

3. My shorts.

4. My own words.

5. A bowl of nails without any milk.

6. Bricks.

7. Dirt.

8. Fried worms. (They probably have more flavor anyway.)

Apparently, people in Vietnam consider this a fine cuisine.

9. Canned tuna.

10. Ramen noodles without the flavoring packets.

So needless to say, I will not be indulging in this rubberized licorice rope you people call "candy." Fat free or not. I'm going for the bag of sour gummy worms.