Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Crazy patterned socks were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

We decided to sleep and snuggled up in our beds,

While visions of Starbucks holiday drinks danced in our heads.

Our Christmas pajamas from high school still put to good use,

It was the perfect thing to wear and look decent in photos under the Christmas spruce.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Off to the windows I ran like The Flash,

I ripped open the shutters and didn’t know where to find the sash.

The moon was bright, trying to be the next supermoon

Making the world look brand new like a fresh helium baloon

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

It took me a minute (without my glasses) to realize it had to be St. Nick.

Faster than Nick Miller running across the loft they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, calling them Kardashian-esque names!

“Now, Karly! Now Kris! Now, Kendall and Kylie!

On Komet! On Kourtney! On, Konner and Kaitlin!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As shoppers that before Black Friday sales fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top up and up they flew,

With a sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing of pawing of each well manicured hoof.

I flew down the stairs and ran into the living room,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a ZOOM!

He was dressed in red and white, from his head and his foot,

And his clothes were covered in ash and in soot.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a college student, lugging around their backpack.

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

He looked like he just came out of the Coca-Cola commercial, the resemblance was scary!

The beard of his chin was as white as the snow,

There’s no way “No Shave November” was something he’d know.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smell of it mingled with that of our Christmas wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

And to quote DC Talk, “that wiggled around like marmalade jelly.”

Pentatonix Christmas music played on in the back,

And he whipped and he dapped along with each track.

A nod of his head, he threw up a peace sign,

Letting me know I could watch from the sideline.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,

He filled all of our socks, then turned with a jerk.

And flipping a water bottle with such ease and such poise,

And giving a nod, he dashed up the chimney without even a noise!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a holler,

And away they all flew like the sky was much smaller

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”