Hey everyone!

I hope this little PSA finds you well. I have a bit of shocking information information for all of you, so you might want to brace yourselves for this news.

It seems as though some covert government agency has gained access to all of our vehicles and activated a special device that allows people around us to know where we are going!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what is known as a turn signal, or an indicator switch if you’re fancy. These little magic sticks do some amazing work! They can show other drivers when you are turning left, when you are wanting to go straight, and yes, they even show others when you want to turn right! How amazing is that!? What a time to be alive!

For those of you too dense to understand the humor in this, you probably need to read this more than anyone. Contrary to what you’d probably been taught by the trolls and goblins you called teachers, these aren’t in your car just to make a nice ticking sound. They serve a significant purpose. They indicate to other drivers that you want to turn or merge. You know, so you don’t crash and kill someone!

Now, I know many of you are skeptical of this newfound development, and maybe you are even a bit concerned that this is just another way for the government to keep tabs on you. I assure you, it’s not. So put away your tin hats and embrace the change that can only lead our society to a stronger, more unified, more wholesome place. Dare I say, a Utopia!

Now, in all seriousness, if you are one of these dumb, dirty, un-american, anarchist, steaming turd burgers who don’t use their turn signals, I have something to say to you. USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS! I don’t understand what is so difficult for people to understand about the significance, and the relative ease of using your turn signal. First and foremost, it’s a matter of safety. When you don’t use your turn signal...PEOPLE DON’T KNOW YOU’RE TURNING! What!? I know, it’s amazing. The human race has not evolved to communicate telepathically yet.

It’s shocking, I know, this idea that your fellow human beings aren’t able to just read your mind because you’re such a perfect little creature, the purest, shiney-est light in all the universe. That you’ve never done anything wrong in your life because you are the closest thing to an angel in human flesh, right? Guess again buttercup! You are nothing more than another giant turd clogging up the universe’s toilet. It’s your fault we have global warming, crippling debt, and Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton! YOU ARE THE REASON 2016 IS AN AWFUL YEAR!!

You have a chance to redeem yourself now though. You can find the error of your ways and come into the light! YOU CAN BE SAVED MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

It’s super easy too! Just grab the stick and pull! Yes, I said it.

Don’t be afraid to signal early too! Being a little proactive never really hurt anyone.

Sincerely,