I never thought I would be the person who didn't stand up for myself in relationships. I never thought that I would ever allow myself to be manipulated and controlled by a person to the point where I didn't see it as a problem. Somehow I started to believe that relationships like that were normal, a regular thing. The massive emotional roller coasters and days of being sad, cranky, and irritable seemed normal to me because I didn't realize that they were happening. I had never been one to be insecure, but in this particular relationship, I was. I wasn't me anymore, instead I was this whiny, sad, unconfident human; something I had never been before. I was in a very toxic environment, and I was taken for granted and wound up just being used.

The most mind boggling thing about being in this situation is that the only reason it ever got to the point where I could be manipulated and taken for granted was because I allowed it to get there. It was so hard when I realized I had to be somewhat accountable in this whole thing. I had to be accountable because I chose to stay in a relationship where I thought that if I loved him enough he would want to change for me. I thought my abundance of love and caring would make him want to be that way and treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I was wrong, and I learned that the hard way. By staying and giving hime the option of taking everything, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and I allowed myself to be treated the way he treated me. I let myself believe that someone who loved me half-assed was OK and it made no sense because my parents had always shown me what a healthy, strong and equal relationship with real love looked like.

I was raised by two of the strongest and most deserving of love individuals one will ever meet. They taught me to be strong, proud, and confident. To always give more than I took. I always did that, in-fact in this relationship I gave everything I could and he took everything he could. He just took and took from me and never gave anything in return. I was such a giver because I opened up my entire life, heart, and soul to someone I thought would reciprocate. He did in a way but not to the extent that I did, that should have been one of my first clues that this relationship was not healthy and on the verge of becoming toxic. There was also the fact that he held a double standard on huge issues that shouldn't have a double standard on them but again I put on blinders to situations and continued to let the relationship run my life. I allowed so much toxicity in my life that when I was finally able to get rid of it, I didn't know how to live without it.

Going back to a life where you didn't allow toxic people was a huge adjustment after the most important people in my life was also the most toxic person I had ever met. To my friends and family, why I kept that toxic person in my life made absolutely zero sense to them. They had all known and felt the love my parents have always showed me and showered me with. They themselves all had know and shared the love and laughter we had with one another because of how close our friendships and families were. It never added up that I stayed in that position so long, that I allowed myself to stay with someone who was so toxic to the person I had prided myself on being. I was proud to be the girl that never took any bull from anyone and somehow an irrelevant boy with icy blue eyes changed my life. It took me months to find the answer to their question, "Why stay?" But I figured it out around the same time I realized I had to be accountable.

I stayed and allowed the toxic vibes he brought into my life because I wanted to change him, fix him. I thought that deep down there was a boy that didn't always take everything girls had to offer, that knew when to just be there for someone, who had a kind heart. I had convinced myself that he was this person and that he was capable of so much more than what he actually was. What I didn't realize was that you can't help people who don't want your help and don't know why they would need it and, you can't try to change boys that don't see a problem with how they treat people that are supposed to be very important to them. Again I thought if I showered him with abundant amounts of love and support something in him would click. It never did but I didn't need that sense of approval from him anymore. I realized that I didn't need him in my life anymore because he really had nothing to offer me anymore.

I was no longer the girl I had always known myself to be and that was a scary thought. After a couple months of trying to figure out heartbreak and get myself up on my feet again, I finally understood what my mom always meant when she said loving someone shouldn't mean you stop loving yourself. In the two years of my life that I spent in this relationship, it slowly sucked up all the self love and self-preservation I had for myself and when I was out of the toxic environment I started to love the person I was again. You don't need people in your life that don't know you and treat you the way you deserve. Follow the golden rule kids, it still counts in relationships: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Matthew 7:12. Because of this whole ordeal I'm learning to walk away from situations or people that threaten my peace of mind, self respect, and self worth.