I used to think that someday I would meet a man and the rest of my life would be history. I would be happy and I would feel whole and nothing would ever bring me down. Suffering would be a thing of the past because I finally found the “one.” My life would find meaning and I would arrive at some sort of destination that everyone everywhere is searching for. But I was wrong.

I realized over time that love isn’t always easy and a partner won’t save me. I will still have horrible days and I will still suffer. Love isn’t just a cure-all. I learned a lot of things through countless relationship losses, trying things differently, and making changes that turned out to be beneficial. Love and successful relationships take work, commitment, and sacrifice.

I’ve learned that the best relationships don’t always start out perfect and that a lot of work will be expected in the future. Love isn’t always butterflies and rainbows. Love can be challenging, humbling, and even uncomfortable at times. I’ve learned it’s ok not to be completely in love with your partner every single day. In fact, that’s normal and healthy! Disagreeing and arguing with your partner is also part of life, but how you grow with each other and respect each other is what really matters.

Growing in a relationship takes a lot of work and self-sacrifice, and the most successful relationships always have both people willing as well as doing their best. Communication is huge when it comes to working through disputes, but I have found that honesty is just as important. Honesty is very crucial in a stable and happy relationship. By being honest, you begin a journey of trusting each other. Honesty and trust go hand in hand, so if your partner is honest with you no matter what, a deeper and deeper level of trust will develop.

No relationship is perfect nor is it like how they portray it in the movies. You will have moments where you don’t know if it will last or you won’t know what to do or how you will get through something. This is normal. I don’t know why our culture tells us so many lies about relationships and love but our believing that love is so easy is actually detrimental to our possibility of truly being happy with someone.

The best advice I ever got on knowing what to do in a relationship, whether to stay together or break up, was this: Stay until you absolutely know you are done. There will be challenges with anyone you date and marry, so stay until you wake up one morning and you know you are done because you can not do this relationship a minute longer. And when this moment arises, if be the case, life will guide you and protect you while doors open to break away from that person. But if that day doesn’t come and you are still willing, fight for your relationship if you still love this person and you still see a future.

Another thing I have learned is to be as present as much as you can and as often as you can in your relationship. Stop assuming your future with someone because things can change in a second that were completely unpredictable. It is also beneficial not to assume things because if you do, you will feel disappointed when things don’t go the way you intended or envisioned. Being present helps you to be happy in the moment, without focusing your energy towards the past or the future. When you only focus on the past or future, you miss out on possible great things happening in the present moment.

The last thing that I have learned and feel is important is to try not to lose yourself in your relationship. Never abandon your dreams or your goals for a man or woman. Don’t smother your partner to the point where you have nothing left of yourself or that you lose sight of what’s important to you. Being in love can be addicting when it’s good but try not to leave your own life for someone else’s. Have balance and remain true to yourself first, because in the end you still matter.

My hope by sharing this personal wisdom and findings is that people will relate and feel more safe in their own experiences and relationships. Remember, love is not always rainbows and the sunshine, but when you do the work, great things can happen. And please don’t ever abandon yourself. A true partner will only be a great addition to your life, but should not be your whole life.