As I sit here and try to pin point a single thought that's twisting and wiggling and bouncing around my head, I realize that my focus has all but vanished. I've laid in bed for two days now and my sore muscles throb. I got up and showered today, and to any normal person this is no big deal but for me this feels like a big victory, like finishing first and winning the State game. I washed my sheets today. They were covered in my salty tears because...why was I crying in the first place? The right side of my bed has lost almost all of it's bounce because I just lay in the same spot for days. Almost like a snow angel but this time you just stay there and let the blizzard come and let the weight of the snow crush your bones. A perfect you-shaped memory of what you once were. Of who you once were.
There's a war in my head. I sleep all day, every day and still I feel so drained. I know I need to eat but even the thought can bring tears to my eyes because...why am I crying? I love art and painting extravagant pieces but I've lost all interest so my supplies get tucked away into the back of my closet but still I know it's there. It's a constant reminder that I've lost all control. There's a war in my head, and I'm not winning.
I went to the counselor here on campus and he told me he thinks that I should look into other resources that can assist me more. The only thing I could think was "how damaged am I?" How far gone have I let myself become? The say the eyes are the windows to the soul. When I look in the mirror I see the dark bags that consume and I swear if you stare long enough you actually see the life of me just disappear. The fire has been out for sometime, but someone has finally blown out the pilot light. And now there's just what's left of me laying on the cold concrete floor in the darkness of this cell that is my body.
And yet, I have friends all around me who will gladly lay here in the dark silence. I have family that is looking into the best resources so that I can get the best help. I have my newfound sisters that accept me in all of my mess and fill the emptiness of this cell with all of their love and they don't even remember my last name because we've only just met. So in all this darkness, when I look up, I see the window that is placed 20 feet above and I see the light. I see the hope in the midst of all this darkness.
