No one ever tells you that abuse is more than just physical assault. When a friend says, “He’s abusing me,” the first thing people say is “he hits you?!” Society forgets to mention the other side of abuse. It’s just as bad because technically, you have no proof. One out of three college girls will be emotionally abused. It only took me three years to figure out that I was one of them.
Picture this: young girl, junior in high school, insecure and just looking to be wanted, meets older guy who pays her attention. Sounds like a great equation, right? You could consider it my first “real” relationship honestly. I’m a nice girl, who always helps people. He’s unmotivated and childlike looking for someone to help him grow up. I thought I could fix him, help him, and turn him into a man, the man I wanted.
It always starts off small, like that one ant that finds the crumpled chip first. No one pays that little ant any attention. They don’t notice that the ants are a problem until they have infested the area. I never thought anything of the warning signs. I didn’t know there was even warning signs to look for. It starts off as him getting too heated during an argument—yelling, cussing. I just ignored it though, because when the fights weren’t happening, it was a great relationship. I was happy.
Flash forward a year, the fights are happening more often, and escalating a little more quickly. There were double standards like, “oh, I can go out with my friends, but you can’t go out with your friends”. Or, “If I’m free, you need to be free. Cancel your plans”. I blew it off as him just being over protective, because movies like Twilight taught me that it was attractive for a guy to act that way.
Two and a half years in, it’s bad. If you don’t answer the phone the first time he calls, he’ll be mad. If I give an opinion different than his, he’ll be mad. When the fights came, that’s when it was the worst. Being called names that no girl should called, over and over. Being told that I was stupid, and would never find another guy because no one else would want me. Being threatened that if I told anyone, “bad things would happen to me”. Being called crazy when I cried. Having objects thrown at me, never hitting me though. Having my cat being threatened so I would do what he wants. Being locked in a closet. Locked in that closet for forty five minutes, thirty minutes, just as long as it would take for me to stop crying and admit that I was wrong. Needless to say, I’ve gotten good at turning off the water-works on the spot. I was accused of doing drugs when I started getting distant because I was realizing how bad it was. He tore apart the whole room, pulled all my clothes out of my drawers trying to find my “drug stash”. Then he made me clean it all back up.
No one else had a clue what was going on. I didn’t have bruises or black eyes. I was just mentally and emotionally falling apart. It took the day I finally went to talk with the counselors on campus, and when I came home, I was put back in that closet because I wouldn’t tell him every word they said. That night, I went to my best friend’s house and told them everything. They had both been around us all the time, but they had no idea. You can’t explain the fear of trying to leave someone like this. I still wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing, because I dream of it happening again or of him finding me. The next day, I woke up at 6am, right after he left for work. I grabbed everything I needed, including the cat, and left. That was the best decision I’ve ever made.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re called names, put down, locked in closets… You need to leave. You can’t fix him. Only he can fix him. Emotional abuse affects you in the same way physical abuse does. You won’t ever be the same. But taking the first step of just leaving, that’s the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself. I promise, someone else will love you more than anything in the world. There’s someone who won’t call you those names, or put you down, but instead build you up and make you a better person. That’s what love is. I was simply in love, with the idea of being in love. You’re worth so much more than what he tells you.
