After the passing of a loved one, people expect you to act in a certain way. If you don't fit the mold of their expectations, you're either shamed or your feelings are discounted. I'm here to remind everyone that there isn't one correct way to grieve for the loss of a loved one. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. There's the person that everyone expects who is outwardly sad and talks through their feelings. But there's also the person who goes about their everyday life normally, not giving off any indicator that something is wrong. And then there's the person in between, who has some good days and some bad days. Each of these people are displaying grief in their own way, and while each is very different from the rest, none of them are wrong.
Grief is a complex emotion, and there are a countless number of ways to deal with it. But with that, those who have also experienced loss have a tendency to oversimplify the emotions for others, giving them usually unwarranted advice with the best intentions. The problem with this is everyone deals with loss differently. What works for one person may not work for another. Your condolences and advice are appreciated, but often unhelpful.
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The problem with grief is that there is no solution. There is no expiration date. There is no handbook on how to deal with it. You can feel the loss of your loved one for just a few weeks, to a few years, to even the rest of your life. The difference between grieving and everyday life is just one thing: the ability to cope. Some people have better coping skills than others and there is not a set schedule to when someone will figure out how to go back to their normal life.
The best thing you can do for someone who has experienced loss is give them time. Understand that some days they will be able to act like nothing has happened, but also understand that they will have more difficult days when they'll have trouble leaving their bed, sometimes even months or years later. Coping is a process that doesn't occur all at once and can sometimes feel like you've taken one step forward and five steps back. If you've experienced a loss, know that you're allowed to feel your feelings. Don't let society's expectations of you hinder your grieving process; take all the time you need. If someone you love has experienced a loss, feel out what they might need. Some days they may need a shoulder to cry on, but other days they might just want to feel like a normal person. If you don't know how you can help, you're always allowed to ask. Your loved one knowing you care will help them feel a support system, and therefore less alone, which is so important.
All in all, know that you aren't alone, whether you're the one who has lost a loved one or your loved one has lost someone. Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far off it seems. And know that your feelings are valid. Always.
