Fear. It is a four letter word that has made up my entire being. If you were to pick apart the motives for everything I have ever done in my life, the driving factor would be Fear. Whether it be not raising my hand when I knew the answer to the question being asked or how I refuse to make eye contact for more than a few seconds in conversation because the fear of being judged paralyzes me in itself, everything I am could easily be traced back to fear. That is not who I want to be. I don't desire to be a sad girl living her life in fear, rather I want to be a girl who trusts God with her entire being. I want everything I am to be traced back to God, not to fear.
The other day I was sitting in a work meeting and I had the idea to reconcile a broken relationship, which I quickly dismissed due to fear. Then, I got to thinking, why am I afraid? By being afraid, I am distrusting God! I am doubting that he has a plan for me, I doubted that if he would draw me out of deep waters. I was not allowing God to be my strength. I remember later that night as i sat on the dock, tears fell from my eyes and my nervous hands picked up my phone, I murmured a quick "okay, Jesus" and dialed the number. And although that fear still lingered in the back of my mind, I chose to trust God. That phone call, the one I was so afraid to make, brought me healing that I had deprived myself of for years simply because I was afraid.
My fears, the same ones I allowed to grow and multiply through out my life was holding me back from seeing the plans that God had in place for me. How many times did I let my fear hold me back? I didn't try out for the cheer team in middle school, because I was afraid.; I didn't follow up on a job interview, because I was afraid. I didn't ask for feedback for the first time I lead worship at youth group because I was afraid. The Bible itself has the words (or some form of it) "do not be afraid" three hundred and sixty five times. It is not said just once or maybe even twice but over three hundred times. If that in itself was not a clue that God is stronger than fear, I have no idea what is.
Some of the best choices I have made in life were made out of Fearless ambition. I chose not to be afraid when I asked to be on the worship team. I chose not to be afraid when I left home from the summer to work at a summer camp. I chose not to be afraid when I mended a broken relationship. I chose not to be afraid when I accepted a year long position at Camp an hour away from home. I chose to trust God.
Of course,I still have fears, I am still insanely insecure. But I believe that my God is far bigger than that. I believe that God himself is bigger than any fear I could ever fathom. He himself the absence of fear, and is the presence of perfect Love.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” — I John 4:18
