Dear God,
I feel the grasp of Satan's pull right now. My soul is troubled with the weight of mistakes and imperfections. Satan is telling me that I am a bad person and right now, I believe it. I hurt the people I love with my deceitful lies, my monstrous anger, and my callous indifference to the things I have done to hurt people. I find myself baffled at why you would choose me to serve you. I am not a good person. The weight of my sins keeps me awake at night. People look at me and see the monster I am. I want to say to them I'm not a monster, but I learned a long time ago, what people think about is the everlasting image they have of you.
The exterior aura of my psyche is what people see, a brutish, monstrous man with the bottled-up anger inside me. They don't see my interior aura, the part of me that has a broken, yet still functioning heart. My soul cries out in agony with the pains it holds. My heart cries out for someone to hear, but no one does. I find myself at odds with the man I am and the man I want to be. I wish my exterior aura reflected the way I feel inside with my interior aura. The truth is, I die inside a little as each day passes. I could blame the world for my problems, but again, the truth is that I stumble into the same patterns, the same mistakes, and the same temptations.
The life I live in my own doing. I feel agony because I choose it for myself. I have become comfortable in the pain to the point I thrive on it. The absence of my pain makes me feel incomplete. When I am happy beyond measure, I feel naked and vulnerable. The pain helps me guard myself against more pain.
But then, I look to you, Lord. Your words of the different people you influenced with your Spirit gives me hope. Some of your servants were terrible people before they came to you. Some of your servants killed people, committed adultery, persecuted people in Your name. Just hearing about the different people you have helped, evildoers like me, helps me see that even the hearts of the evilest people can be shaped to love like Jesus did. This helps me see that no matter how much evil I do in this life, I am never too far gone from you. Your words and your biblical examples helped me see that anyone can love and serve you.
Help me Lord to not love the comfortability of evil. Renew my spirit daily with your Spirit. Keep me from the dark, Lord, with your light. Lord, fill my soul and my mind with happy thoughts. Lord, please keep my heart so soft so I can receive your instruction and follow it. Lord, help me reach people with your love and let them thrive on your love. Lord, convict my heart to not feel prideful of myself for doing your works because you deserve all the credit. Lord help me to win the hearts of my fraternity brothers and help me see the way I hurt them. Lord, continue to convict my heart when I cause pain to others, no matter if it was intentional or not.
Lord, revive my soul daily from spiritual death and help me see what you see. Lord, help me see the suffering of others and help me to be able to help them through it with words of hope from your Word. I love you, Lord and I am humbled to serve you.
Love your son,
Matt
