Since this presidential race began, I've been seriously envying Donald Trump's killer tan.You can tell that the Republican front-runner seriously knows some major beauty hacks and I've spent months trying to figure out how to turn my ghost-like complexion into his Oompa Loompa kissed skin tone. But last week I had a break through and I finally figured out the most perfect self-tanning routine that the presidential candidate uses himself! So if you want to look healthy, wealthy, and neon like Trump, make sure you follow these instructions to a T.
1. Exfoliate
In order to make a streak free canvas for your self-tanner, you need to exfoliate any area you are going to put tanner on. If you don't feel like buying any ordinary scrub from Lush, you can make a perfect scrub right at home. All you'll need is a blender, a tablespoon of olive oil, and a small loan of a million dollars. You just need to combine the oil and cash together and pulse for a couple of seconds and voila! The perfect way to scrub dead skin cells off of your alligator-like skin!
2. If You Haven't Already, Shave.
Super important because hair follicles can get in the way of the tanner, and leave you with weird and splotchy dots all over your body. Once you're done shaving, make sure to gather all of the hair out of the drain and gather it into a pile. Next, blow dry the pile until it is dry enough to be spray painted gold to match all of your gaudy hotels. After the paint dries, place the pile of body hair on top of your head and use a comb to blend it with your three remaining natural hair follicles. Don't comb too hard, as you may rip out what is left of your natural hair! Your new toupee will enhance your Sunkist soda glow and sparkle in the light every time you talk about building a wall.
3. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!
If you want an all over even glow that a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese would be jealous of, you absolutely need to moisturize. If you don't have any lotions lying around in your mansion, the tears of American voters are such a perfect dupe! Not only can these tears moisturize skin better than natural oils, there is an overwhelming abundance of them readily available! So you'll never have to worry about running out of American voter's tears while your leathery skin is drinking them up!
4. Finally, Time for the Self-Tanner!
I know, this is the step you have been waiting for, and is arguably the most important step! I mean, you can't just use steps 1-3 to give yourself Trump's Jack-O-Lantern appearance, right? Right! So for the tanner itself, you're going to need 16 family sized bags of Cheetos and a kiddie pool. You're going to need to get all of that fake cheese dust off of those Cheetos, so enlist some help from Mexican immigrants since your tiny hands can't possibly complete this task on your own. Make sure you scream at them that you're going to deport them the entire time, this is a major key to get your natural glow! After they've finished picking the dust off of the Cheetos and putting it into the kiddie pool, you need to completely submerge yourself in the pool for about two hours.
When you come out you'll look like a beautiful and racist basketball!
Happy tanning folks, make sure to direct message Donald Trump your beautiful results on Twitter!
