My roommate’s sister is getting married in August to her best friend whom she met on Tinder (Congratulations Kelsey & Brad!). Since the announced engagement, it’s been a running joke with me and my roommates that we need to find our Brad. But I’m finding that true love on Tinder is the real joke here (for me at least).
The running tally of failed Tinder dates was climbing so high that I’ve since deleted the app... and every other dating app. What used to be a fun game of swiping has turned into a service for girls being so obnoxiously hit on with awful pickup lines, and frat boys finding any way to ask, “so can I get yo snap?” But, with all that being said, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the ins and outs of the complex world of dating from the perspective of Tinder
1. “Oh, he looks like a douche bag.” *swipes right*
If his Insta is flooded with a new “drunk white girl” on his shoulder in each photo, swipe right—he’s probably a really nice family-man deep down. Definitely wants to adopt dogs and buy a house with you. The amount of times I’ve done this is innumerable. Ladies— if he looks like a frat boy, he embodies a frat boy, therefore, he is a frat boy by association. Swipe left.
2. The “You up?” text.
You think ghosting is bad? Try waking up in the morning to a text sent to you at 3 a.m. saying, “you up?” Like, no I’m not up, I have an 8am—what do you think this is?
3. Stop lying about wanting to hook up when you don’t.
If you want to leave his apartment with all your clothes on and intact, chances are, going over for “movie night” is only going to bring you the Walk of Shame. If you’re on Tinder as a joke because “your roommate made you get one” (whatever that means), or for serious reasons, why are you taking an Uber to a boy’s apartment whose bio is “Only here for a good time; not a long time.”?
4. The effort put into bios and profile photos is a direct correlation to how badly you want to get laid.
Us women are out here taking bomb selfies and whatnot, and you boys are still posting ab pics in a dirty bathroom mirror with the flash on. And have the audacity to assume every match wants to sleep with you. Like, what? Aren’t we a little more sophisticated than that? I’d rather see a photo of you blacked at an 8 a.m. tailgate shot-gunning a beer with your “frat bro” you swear is blood. Which, by default, brings us back to point #1: swipe left.
5. Be ready to see multiple matches in public that you’ve ghosted… for the next 4 years.
This is the most uncomfortable thing about dating apps—especially if you live in a huge college town. Want to go to the bar with your friends? You’re increasing your chances of being hit on with the “can I get yo snap” one-liner by the same guy you ghosted on Tinder 6 months ago… except in person instead of via a phone screen. Maybe it’s a sign. True love?
6. The chances of you finding someone with the same intentions as you are slim.
Unless explicitly discussed in their bio, you can assume tinder is used as a hookup app for both parties. If your intention is to find someone to send you snaps of their cute pup in photo #4, your bio should definitely say “only here for a play date.” Or “#1 dog-sitter in the area!” – The New York Times” then proceed to add your phone number and pay rate.
7. You see so many people you know.
Especially from high school. Oh yeah, and that one guy from your ISS class freshman year of college you cheated off of… be ready to accidentally super like him and then— even worse—match!
8. The shallowness is just too real.
Granted, everyone who uses Tinder understands (or should understand) that it’s a quick swipe based on at least the first photo, maybe more. I even fall victim to swiping without giving a glance at the bio. But what do you expect? If your dog isn’t cute, chances are, you aren’t either. No further investigation is needed.
9. Stop blaming me for the lack of interesting conversation.
Sometimes, the other person just sucks at responding. Sometimes, they’re just plain uninteresting. Then, you receive a text 6 days after the conversation was more than killed off saying “Trying to get rid of me? ;)” Excuse me if I don’t want to respond to the snap of your bedroom floor saying “lol.” I’m not a treasure chest full of topics. If you’re boring, you’re a lost cause.
Worst of all, and I think what rests at the top of the list,
10. The cringe-worthy, unsolicited d*ck pic.
(cue the choir and shining lights) This is the epitome of every male form. Fellas-- plain and simple-- if we don't ask, don't show. Big or small, you're asking for a screenshot. And let's just face it, do you really want your Tiny Tim to be the topic of conversation in a Tinder girls mass group chat with her girlfriends?
Overall, I think I learned a lot. I learned that Tinder just isn't for me. I learned that being woken up at 3 a.m. with a "you up?" text definitely ruins my day more than my 8am Econ class. Sometimes, I get a good laugh and can maybe even weasel a few cat pictures out of a nice boy. But, the moral of my story is that receiving an unsolicited dick pic at the family dinner table just isn't worth it for me anymore.
