You've blacked out. Did you get punched? Your head is swimming and the night's brisk air wafts up your nose. You start to cough. Someone's shouting... at you? They're wheeling you down a busy hallway and talking over your head.
"He's down... Reddit... memes..."
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"...microaggressions... PC..."
"...Facebook comment..."
What are they talking about? You think you're in a hospital. It smells like antiseptic. Suddenly much of the commotion halts and you hear a clicking coming down the hallway towards you. You try to get up but a hand rests against your chest, a smooth voice accompanying it.
"I'm going to be your doctor today."
"What?" You're bewildered. You feel sick but you don't need a doctor, "Please, I'm fine, just let me..."
Your doctor is stern. "No, you're not fine. Stay down and let us help you feel better."
You comply with a sigh and stare up at her. "OK. So what's wrong with me?"
She takes off her glasses and lowers herself to your level. "Young man, you have a case of," her face pinches, 'Troll Syndrome.'"
Now, I know what you're thinking. 'What the hell did I just read?' It's the Creative Writing version of what I wish I could do for all of the trolls I encounter on the internet. If you don't know what trolls are, let me give you a crash course.
1. They post comments, statuses, and updates like these:
I'm almost certain Ken M. makes a living out of trolling, google him to see what I mean.
An example of a funnier genre of trolling. I'd feel bad to be on Gary's side, but Target's troll response was a Class A act.
2. They are generally characterized by their irrelevant statements and persistent and inflammatory ignorance.
3. They don't exist to contribute to an environment of mutual learning, respect, and trust.
Even though I would love to silence any and all trolls on the Internet, I'm not an advocate for censorship. Stupid people can say stupid things — most of the time, trolls aren't hurting anybody. All they seem to be wanting to do is get middle-aged angry adults on Facebook and emotional, hormonal 12-year-olds to fight them with the click-clack of their keyboards and a shield of very shallow Wikipedia research. It incites nothing but meaningless conflicts that do more to anger and offend people than get them to see from different perspectives.
So, what's the real problem?
Think about the 46-year-old exploring Facebook with very impressionable kids who take after their mother. If you got into a fight with her, she'd probably feel personally attacked. She'd take time out of her day that she could've been using much more productively to duke it out on the comments section of a Facebook photo post.
Think about the 16-year-old trying to form their political viewpoint. She doesn't know where to find reliable news and she can't really differentiate between legitimate comments and trolls. A transforming young mind needs solid support and comprehensive advice -- not angry and bored idiots who strive to make everyone as angry and bored as they are.
Think about yourself. Let's say you just wanted to gauge community reaction to a picture. Or you just wanted to understand a little but more about the 2016 presidential election cycle. You came to the Internet to learn and to be happy and honestly, I'd totally understand if you started feeling attacked.
Now think about the troll.
