It seems to be the time of year when everyone becomes mildly combative. It's the tail end of the election, college classes are starting their last units for the semester, and we're all feeling the strain of having lived with our roommates since August or September. I get it; having someone around constantly can be frustrating, especially when you just want to watch your TV show and eat popcorn without worrying about being judged. That being said, there are some ways you should and should not deal with roommate conflict. Remember, you do have to keep living with them for a few more weeks, if not longer. Here are some tips.
1. DO communicate your needs.
As weird as this sounds, a successful roommate relationship has many of the same qualities as a successful dating relationship. It's important in all your relationships to clearly and concisely tell the other person what you want and expect, but it becomes even more critical when you have to live with that person. Think about it this way: if your significant other made you upset over something small, the best way to fix the situation would be to mention it after the first time said action occurs so that anger doesn't build up. The same concept applies for your roommate(s). If you have a problem, talk to them about it and communicate how it makes you feel. Don't point fingers; instead, explain why you feel hurt, annoyed, or disrespected and suggest a possible solution.
2. DON'T let anger simmer.
It's much easier to have a calm, rational discussion and come to a mutually beneficial agreement before something becomes a behavioral pattern. Trust me: waiting until the third or tenth time your roommate does something that annoys you is a horrible decision. They don't know that you're annoyed, and you just slowly become even more and more incensed. Along the same idea, make sure to check with your roommate before playing music out loud or turning on a bunch of lights if they're in the room. They may have told you that it doesn't bother them if you play your music out loud, and asking is simply repetitive, but it's simple courtesy to make sure you are not annoying them. I know my roommate is fine with the light being on when she goes to bed, but I still ask if she wants me to turn it off because I don't want to assume. Be courteous.
3. DO give each other small encouragements.
School is stressful! Life is stressful! People need positive reinforcement, and it's incredibly calming to come home to an encouraging Post-It note on your desk after a long day. I knew my roommate had an organic chemistry test one day that she was incredibly stressed about, so I sneaked a donut out of the dining hall and left it on her desk with a note. Before she left for a long weekend the other day, she left me a note telling me to have an amazing weekend and that she'd miss me. Does it sound sappy? A little bit. Does it go a long way towards building a sense of community? You bet. Small acts of kindness go a long way.
4. DON'T immediately complain to your RA.
This tip is not as applicable for people who don't live in dorms, but the general concept still applies. If talking to your roommate(s) doesn't work, then take it to your RA or someone else who can mediate the situation. It's important for both people to agree on going to an authority figure, because otherwise one person will feel belittled and the situation will most likely explode. Along the same lines...
5. DON'T complain to your other friends yet never tell your roommate.
I cannot fully explain just how frustrating this situation is for everyone involved. The roommate feels helpless because they know their roommate is upset but have no clue why, the friends are annoyed by the passive-aggressive drama, and you're frustrated because nothing ever gets better. Fun fact: nothing will improve if you expect your roommate to read your mind. Unless they are a Vulcan and have touch telepathy, they have no idea what you're thinking unless you tell them verbally. Have enough respect for your roommate to actually talk to them and work out the issue, please.
6. DON'T infringe on their space.
I feel like this one should be a given, and yet it seems not to be. Keep your things in your space. Your clothes should not be on the other person's desk, and their coloring books should not be on your bed. Respect each other's personal space and belongings. This becomes incredibly important when you're living in close proximity to someone and personal, individual space is rare. Just stay in your area! For goodness' sake, ask before eating your roommate's food! This falls back on having simple courtesy. And finally...
7. DO still go on friend-dates.
Remember when I said earlier that good roommates have similar qualities as good significant others? When you become comfortable with your dating partner and stay in to watch Netflix sometimes, you still make an effort to go places and do activities together, even if they're something small. Going to the store together or grabbing coffee helps solidify all relationships, not just dating ones, and it's important to remember that your roommate should be your friend too. There are people who can be a great friend but do not work with you as a roommate, and that's okay. Try to not let frustration get in the way of continuing that friendship, because that way when you guys are no longer living together, you can stay friends.
And to my roommate, if you're reading this- thank you for being you (and for the popcorn). You're the real MVP. I promise I will remember to close the blinds eventually.
