"Comparison is an act of violence against the self."
Iyanla Vanzant
When I was a little girl, I felt like I was on top of the world. I loved my thick, brown hair. I thought my Birthday parties were the absolute best. I felt my I had the best friends a girl could ask for. I loved the way I sang, and danced, the way I built forts, and the way I wrote and told stories. My life was a sparkly adventure and I felt like the princess. The princess of my very own fairy tale. I was genuinely content with my life and everything and everyone that filled it up.
I understand that many kids carry this mindset throughout childhood. I understand that life happens, you grow, and in turn, your worldview expands enormously. I also understand that with this comes struggles, hardships, heartbreak and pain which in turn can dim your ever so bright perspective. But this inner confidence that came so naturally to me then perplexes my adult mind now. Although much of this can be attributed to childhood innocence and naivety, I think it stems from something deeper. Of course I do, this little princess has become a queen at over processing and analytical thinking.
After reflecting on this for a while, I actually have found an answer, an answer for myself at least. Underneath all the common presumptions as to why my life outlook has shifted and within the search for that lost young girls confidence, I've realized in most part, it lies in one toxic habit that I picked up somewhere along the way: comparing. Comparing myself or anything to do with my life with anyone or anything else.
I cannot pinpoint the exact origin in my life where I began to compare myself against others. Maybe it was the first time I realized as a young girl that other kids had better toys than I did. Maybe it was in elementary school when they started giving out awards for the best in this or the best in that. Maybe it was in high school when I realized other girls had all the new trends in fashion and I felt I didn't. I honestly do not know, but what I do realize now is that its effects have been much more damaging than I ever could of realized. I also am now aware that the stemming point could have been something as trivial as prom dresses, but the effects now, as a 29 year old woman are so much more serious. I may have began comparing simple mundane things in life, but that tiny little habit evolved into an full blown mind process that eventually took place on the daily without me even realizing I was doing it and about such more serious topics in life.
I feel that it is human nature to compare ourselves to others in this life, to a certain degree it is only normal. In fact, comparing where you stand in regards to others, I think, can be beneficial in the sense that it fuels us to work harder for something, or sheds light on our inner desires and goals. Although, most of us cross the line of normality, into the comparing that instead of fuels us, drains us and creates pain and doubt. After realizing this habit of mine, I have made a pact with myself to try with all my might to end this destructive process and in doing so I must remind myself what comparing myself to others does to me.
IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD
Anyone with a brain in their head realizes this. It is not rocket science. But I want you to stop and think about this. Why would you actively engage in anything that you KNOW in the end will lead you to feeling worse?
Years ago, my boyfriend at the time left me for another woman. So what did I do? I did what any red blooded woman does in the 21st century… I Facebook stalked her as if I was the newest member of the CIA. And don’t even roll your eyes at me… most of you have done this at one point or another so don’t even attempt denying it. After swimming through all her pictures, in order to size myself up to her, the result was always the same: I felt awful. I felt so terrible not only because she was beautiful, or I’d skim past a picture of them appearing happy together which just further punctured my aching heart, but because I felt embarrassed about my actions.
He was moving forward with his life, meanwhile I was creeping their every move on Facebook. In hindsight, I realize what I was doing. My heart was searching for answers, searching for a reason why this woman was so much better than me; what she had that I apparently lacked. The answers would come, but I promise you it was not through stacking myself up against her. That did absolutely nothing more than bring me down and slowly chip away pieces of my own self worth. On top of that, my truest self knew that this comparing game was not in any way helping me become the woman I wanted to become. It felt awkward and weak and slightly creepy, really. It added so much hurt to my already aching heart. It always made me feel worse. One day, I finally had a hammer to the head of common sense asking me why I continued doing this. Did I like feeling pain? Did I seek it out? So, I stopped. And here's a shocker, I felt better after I stopped comparing myself to this woman I didn't even know. It makes you feel bad, so don't even go there, don't even entertain the thought.
IT MINIMIZES YOUR EFFORTS
In high school we had a few weeks during sophomore year where we studied different religions. At the end of the semester we were each assigned a different religion and told to build a holy structure of whatever religion it was that we were given. I got assigned Shintoism.
I honestly cannot tell you one fact about this religion whatsoever, but I can tell you I remember how much effort I poured into constructing this beautiful, tiny temple. My mom helped me and we spent hours upon hours on this thing. We spray painted cardboard gold, we used up all our patience gluing tiny little rhinestone diamonds over all the doorways and we taped glossy pictures of flowers up and down the entire walkway. It was a Shinto temple of perfection...or a mini Bellagio Resort in Vegas...either way. The point is, I was so damn proud of this cardboard creation I walked through the doors of the high school glowing, partly from the reflection of the enormous amount of gold spray paint my mom and I had used on this thing... again, minor details. My pride slammed into the ground when I walked into the classroom.
Other students had constructed structures made of wood and marble, with perfect tiny dimensions sans gold spray paint and cheap super glued diamonds. It looked like an architect had stopped in and dropped tiny specs all over the room. Had I walked into the wrong classroom, was this possibly drafting not social studies?
The hours upon hours of research and effort and attempt were suddenly gone in my mind. All I could do was look at everyone else's projects and feel suddenly ashamed of my own. Had I not put in equal effort as everyone else? Possibly even more? I was ready within minutes of comparing to minimize and downplay all of my very own efforts. I compared, and the result? It stole my confidence in my project, it robbed me of something I, ten minutes prior, had been genuinely proud of.
Whether you are comparing a project, an achievement, your physical self, your personality, your successes, your failures, whatever it may be, it takes away from what is yours. It steals YOUR light, it shadows whatever is great to YOU. Comparisons have this super power-like curse to transform anything into less than or not good enough. Think of a bad witch in a fairy tale, her wand that curses all is metaphorically what comparing is, tarnishing the bright sparkly kingdom and turning it black and cold. Okay it's out there, but I am really trying to get this point across. Comparing yourself minimizes all your efforts and darkens your perspective which should remain bright, and should be competing with no one other than yourself.
IT CREATES AN ILLUSION THAT THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
When I was that young girl prancing around in happiness, I never thought the grass was greener on the other side because I wasn't looking. Everything seemed peachy keen because I wasn't wasting time wondering what others were doing and how their lives stacked up to mine. As we grow older, we start comparing ourselves to others based on socially created pseudo standards.
Where did you go to school? How many degrees do you have? What is your career? do you have a family? Do you own your own home? Where have you traveled to?
The list goes on and on. We have these imaginary ideas that somehow the answers to these questions in sum make up what quality of human being you are, or where you stand in regard to common societal norms. I do it all the time. All the time.
I am very happy with my life. I am in good health, I have an amazing family and incredible friends. I have been blessed enough to see many parts of the world, I have a job that I thoroughly enjoy and am able to pay all my bills. I live in this breathtaking city within which I have created a solid community. It's safe to say I am happy with my life.
Then all the sudden, I see friends my age getting married. Obtaining higher degrees in their career fields. Buying homes. Starting families of their own... and it's like someone comes in and deflates all of my happiness. I suddenly feel panicked and anxious and "behind." All because I am comparing myself.
I try to remind myself of one simple thing when I get caught up in this mental whirlwind: You are on your very own journey, your happiness is completely what you make it, and everyone else is on their own journey as well, as different as it may be. I remind myself that there is no correct way to live, and that I didn't miss receiving the instruction manual to life, while everyone got theirs. There is no right way to do this, there is no wrong way, its YOUR way, and whatever works for you.
Its easy to think someone else has got it made, or that someone else has everything you want while diminishing all the blessings that are currently fully present in YOUR life. In an era of social media as well, with everyone posting the highlights of their lives, it can be even more difficult to stay out of the "they've got it so much better" mindset. I swear there are days where I feel totally fine, and after scrolling through Facebook seeing: "Just bought our second home...in Lake Tahoe!" And, "Look at me on my month-long leisure vacation in Europe!" Or, "Just finished my 27th Iron Man...this year!" I suddenly feel super unaccomplished and bummed out! I know I'm probably coming off as a bitter introvert who spends an inappropriate amount of time on social media, but again, I'm just trying to get a point across.
If you think its always better on the other side, you will be in a constant chase, chase, chase mentality, and I promise you it is a game you will never win. When you acquire this form of thinking, it brings a cloud of depression over your life and shadows your blessings, your triumphs, your attributes, YOUR LIFE.
From my experience, I have used comparisons as a self defeating enemy that propels me into a depressed state of mind. It has brought me down, highlighted my weaknesses and blanketed my in self doubt. From this point forward I make the promise to myself to morph comparison into a tool. I will use it now as something I can learn from, something that can guide me more clearly to my desires and reflect on what it is that I want so badly that I am seeing in someone or something else. I will no longer sit in self pity questioning why I don't have exactly what it is I want, but rather, use it to fuel me to work harder to get there. I promise myself to never turn my back on the blessings that have already manifested in my own life, a habit that so commonly happens when we began to compare ourselves. I challenge you to do the same, so that together we can grow and evolve into the best forms of ourselves possible. Here's to comparing less, so that we can live more.
